10 Worst Patents from EFF

The Electronic Frontier Foundation has pulled together their own list of the 10 worst patents that should never have been issued by the US Patent and Trademark Office. No. 2 on the list is Clear Channel's claim that they own the patent on the ability to produce live recordings on digital media at concerts! This patent has finally made its way to a review by the USPTO a couple of years after it was issued. This has been why you can't buy live recordings immediately after a concert; Clear Channel wants their cut for using their "patent!" Here's their Top 10 List here.

Headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally -- scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Lego PC

Wow! PC Magazine hired LEGO brick-artist Nathan Sawaya to build them a custom PC which they paln on giving away in a contest. Go to PC Magazine Online where you can see more pictures of theLego PC and the process of building one, along with instructions for building your own (if you're ambitious enough). There's also an interview with Sawaya on his approach to building all things Lego. Looks like Lego is getting a lot of buzz these days from the tech community.

The latest issue of WIRED magazine also has a cover article on how Lego is re-positioning the company and its Mindstorms robotic line to appeal to a broader adult audience (particularly geeks).

Pictorial History of Hard Drives from c/net

When I first got into programming in the late 60's, the IBM 360/30 ruled the computer industry. They were huge monsters that required huge rooms to house them; the floors were elevated to accommodate all the wiring and the temperature and humidity were constantly regulated to maintain optimal conditions (for the computers, NOT the people running them!). On some nights, you could freeze your ass off in there even with a suit and tie on! At the point I left programming for the first time, hard drives were beginning to make a splash, replacing all manner of storage quickly. And I still remember the old punch cards and key tapes -- nasty!

Anyway, c/net has put together a brief history of the hard drive, complete with pictures. The cost is pretty hard to believe considering our cost per gigabyte today (gigabyte!!!). And some of them didn't even look too bad either.

Charlie Hebdo from France

Charlie Hebdo has been around since the 60's in Paris; they started off as an underground weekly and still continue to publish anything that they think people need to read. I still remember my own misadventures with them when I lived in Paris in the early 70's. This is the cover from the current issue -- Mohammed Overcome by the Fundamentalists -- in which they took a stand and published 12 of the "offensive" Mohammed cartoons. The caption reads, "It's hard being loved by idiots..."

Super Mafia Bros.

I've been hyping up GoogleMaps mashups for some time now. But here's an online game mashup that you might never have dreamed of: How about Super Mario Bros. and Marlon Brando/Godfather in Super Mafia Bros.? Plays and sounds a lot like the original!

What's on MY Wish List?

For the person who loves gadgets, I think this one's the bomb! At least for guys anyway. At least older guys with vinyl record collections. ELP has been selling an amazing new turntable that uses a laser beam instead of the traditional needle to play old records. Imagine no more wear-and-tear on your LPs and no more static coming out of your speakers. But at these prices, I sure won't be buying one any time soon... However, they DO give you a generous 10-day audition period.

Winter Olympics Medal Count

Want a simple way to keep track of the medals being won at the Winter Olympics? The BBC has a constantly updated web page that posts the number of medals won by the Top 15 countries.

Don't Forget to Wash Your Hands When You're Done!

This is actually an older pictorial from the China Daily that features pics from a real restaurant in Taiwan. They feature bathroom fixtures and appliances as decor and utensils (check out the Sundae dish complete with the poop ice cream -- kinda crappy, eh?). You get to sit on a commode to eat. Wonder what their bathrooms look like? Kitchens, maybe?

PARK(ing)

These guys have found an alternate use for urban parking spots. Check out PARK(ing).

Like to Draw?

I remember those ads on the back covers of comic books that were supposed to be tests for artistic talent. You drew the picture of a pirate (or a clown or a dog...) and mailed it in to see if you had the talent to win a free course in commercial art. Of course, what did I know about generating sales leads and cold calls? I was just a 9-year old kid back then who had to steal a postage stamp from the Old Man in order to get my drawing in. Never mind the incredible steps I had to take to swipe an envelope, address it AND manage to get it into a mailbox while out on a walk with our sister. Anyway, one day weeks later when I had finally forgotten about my dreams of learning to be a great artist by correspondence, this dude shows up at our front door looking for the artiste who had submitted this masterpiece. Of course, Dad answered the door and -- after a few incredulous minutes of listening to this peddler -- sent him on his way. I, of course, didn't hear the end of that one for at least a week...

Well, what's this got to do with my current post? I found a new site where you can doodle your own drawing to send to someone so you can get one back. Nice simple concept and a lot of fun. Here's the link to SketchSwap. Have fun!

Another "Oh SH*T!" Moment Brought to You by the Internet

Here's another GoogleMaps mashup that should turn a lot of people on their heads in a hurry: Zillow.com. They can provide you with house valuations on over 60 million+ homes across the country. Ouch! If that doesn't hurt a few realtors a little, I'd be surprised. (Still in Beta.)

Google Music Search Now Online

Check THIS out. Google now has Music Search in Beta. Click here.

Muslims Everywhere in Canada Now

If you don't believe me, check out this recent picture from Newfoundland. Muslim Moose! (Lighten up -- we're kidding! It's NOT a Mohammed cartoon today!)

Commercial of the Week: The Importance of Knowing Another Language

A cute commercial that stresses why you should at least be bilingual. (MPG file approx. 2.8 Mb)

Making Fun of Yourself is a Lesson in Humility...

If Christians can laugh at themselves with stuff like this, Muslims can lighten up a bit. Just sent to me from a friend down in California. (Windows wmv Media File approx. 2.5 Mb)

Things Always Look Different from Above

So there was this helicopter pilot in Mexico City who used to fly over the city a lot. And he took a lot of really great pictures whenever he could. His stunning collection is now posted for all to see here.

It HAD to Happen!

And here it is: DrawMohammed.com is posting all entrants and some are pretty damn good!

Just for good measure -- in case you've been hiding in a cave somewhere -- this is a link to a really good flash presentation of the entire comedy so far.

Choose Your Own Tartan, Laddie!

I always knew that Lee was also a Scottish name and used to have fun with people on the phone who almost certainly never suspected my Asian roots when they heard my lack of an accent (why would I have one? I was born and brought up on the Queen's English in Canada!). Still, growing up in Nova Scotia with all those kilts and bagpipes on those rolling hills can make one long for the homeland, laddie!

I recently came across this site -- Interactive Weaver on the House of Tartan site -- where you can pick your own colors, the order to weave them in, as well as your thread count, so they can actually weave you your very own family tartan.

Ah, the Internet -- what a concept! Eventually, I see anyone anywhere being able to look up a craftsperson directly online in some remote village and placing an order directly for his/her handiwork. In the meantime, enjoy that kilt!

Rock, Paper, Saddam...

What more to say? The title of this site truly says it all.. RockPaperSaddam. Fun to watch all the way through.

Mohammed Through History

So I guess it's alright if THEY do it... This post clearly depicts numerous images of Mohammed as immortalized over the centuries by artists. I wonder how many of them were beheaded or punished for eternity? Maybe the newspapers should start publishing these as well. (Not a terrific server so please be patient as it loads up on your screen -- I don't think they expected the level of traffic they got.)

In all fairness, note that some of the paintings have his face under a veil. (Gee, maybe that's where bin Laden and al Zarqahi got their idea to disguise themselves as women to elude capture, huh?)

Fight Club Re-mix

Well, it looks as though more and more people are making re-mixes for movie trailers. Romantic comedies turn into horror flicks and horror movies become romantic comedies now. As expected, some are fantastic and most are mediocre. I like this recent one: Fight Club as a romantic comedy (What the F...?)

Thought I saw something strange during Superbowl...

A friend just sent me this funny montage from FreakingNews.com:



And if you want to read something that addresses some of the strange stuff on SuperBowl XL more seriously, read Robert Weintraub's piece, Stealers on Slate.

I'd Really Like to Drive Today

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver. But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.


Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five miles an hour. "So bust him already," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief:" Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Your Very Own Southpark Character!

I found a site (German, I think) that lets you pick and choose all the pieces you need to generate your very own Southpark character. Don't know if they're in violation of copyright or how long it'll stay up (maybe they'll be allowed to continue as it's nothing more than great promo for the show) but here's the link.

Seniors Road Trip

DOES THIS BRING TO MIND ANY ROAD TRIPS THAT YOU'VE TAKEN?

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "Oh -- While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"

New Romance Movie for 2006

Brokeback to the Future...

Four Idiots

What more is there to say? The title says it all: Four Idiots. (Windows wmv media file approx. 1.8 Mb)

Sex Offenders Among Us

I've looked at a couple of different Sex Offender maps online over the past couple of months and it's generally pretty disheartening and scary when you realize who might be living next door to you.

Over the past couple of years, people like John Walsh have pushed legislators hard to make state lists publicly available. With modern technology, these lists have now been combined with mapping software so you can see where a lot of these pervs live in your area. One of the more recents ones is a mashup combining GoogleMaps with state registries: MapSexOffenders.com. Another more recent startup is The Family Watchdog; I found that one to be even more alarmingly detailed. Here in Washington, you can see the address where they're living and a recent picture and description of the perp. Do check them out yourself and tell your kids to check it out. Yikes!

How Old are You Again?

A friend sent me this link to an age gauge. Just type in your birth date and it'll quickly come up with the rest. Sort of nostalgic but also a little scary for some of us...

Michelle Malkin's Short Movie on the Muslim Cartoons

Check out her 2-minute experiment with Windows movies. She decided to try her hand with a short piece on the Muhammed cartoon deal from the Dutch.

Google's Statement to the Congressional Human Rights Caucus

I've had a dialog with many of my friends regarding Google's recent drubbing for taking its position on limited censoring of its searches in China so they can conduct business there. My own feeling is that the Internet should indeed be free and open to all. However, it's a lot like opening Pandora's Box. Once you open it and the contents come flying out, then you can't put it all back in again, try as you may. Being Chinese, I tend to look at China a little differently. I have traveled there and I have done business there and I still have distant relatives there. It has come a long way from where it was 50 years ago; it has made even more phenomenal leaps in the past decade, much to the surprise of everyone in the West. I believe that the Chinese are a fiercely independent and competitive culture but in a much, much different way than we are over here. As a matter of fact, if he were alive today, my Father may well have made that journey back there and he would have marveled at the country that he swore he would never set foot in again.

One example I use a lot in debates with my Western colleagues regarding change is to cite the handovers of Macau and Hong Kong from their colonialist governments. Very few people would argue that those transitions could be deemed as incredibly successful. And with little meddling on the part of Beijing. I also use the example of Tiananmen Square and compare it to our very own Kent State. Each was a frightening staredown between protesters and the government; each resulted in the deaths of a lot of civilians. China has never criticized us for Kent State but Tiananmen Square continues to be a big rallying cry when it comes to American human rights groups as their best example of Chinese repression.

Personally -- and of course this is strictly my own humble opinion -- I've tried to imagine myself as one of those old dudes sitting in Beijing when it all came down. You have to remember that Russia had just had their own Red Square facedown with Mikhail Gorbachev going out and Boris Yeltsin coming in. While it was a remarkable piece of history and drama, what with the Berlin Wall coming down and President Reagan declaring that the Cold War had finally ended, it marked the beginning of a new era of poverty and pandemonium for the Russian people. Something that may well take them another 50 years to dig themselves out of. Services were in complete disarray, the Russian mob stepped in and took over a lot of businesses and the entire Russian republic fell apart (and is still a mess today). Looking at that aftermath, I don't think I would blame the old politburos in Beijing for wanting to slow down or stop a big rebellion like the one in Red Square. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out -- not in the least. In fact, I openly laud them for their decision at that point in history. I can't even begin to imagine what might have happened if the same turmoil had happened in a country with a population over 5 times larger than Russia. In hindsight, those decisions have borne themselves out well; China continues to grow exponentially, capitalism appears to be encouraged and thriving now and China is quickly becoming a real superpower in this decade. All with little potential of major war like we'd had with the Russians during the Cold War. If the past 10 years are any indication, we may well see more dramatic changes in the next ten to come. And would I be surprised if China surpasses us in many of the social principles that we so proudly flaunt to the rest of the world? Just as it takes a lot to turn a cruise ship around in mid-ocean, so it is with the world's most populous country.

I think that over time (and we're not talking about a lot here either), the futility of trying to control something like the Internet will overwhelm the Chinese government's current efforts. They'll eventually realize it and move on to bigger and better things. But we Americans have to have stuff to thump our chest about. I only hope that when the open Pandora's Box eventually comes back and bites us in the ass one day that we're ready for it ourselves.

Moreover, since when did it become the job of businesses trying to do business in foreign countries to do the will of the government? I always was under the impression that it was the other way around (stupid me) and that our government should be doing everything in its power to talk to other governments about opening up their trade borders on all fronts (including electronic). Businesses per se have little control -- and shouldn't -- over governments in other countries. When in Rome...

And here's another thought to ponder: Our human rights advocates are screaming about what Google should do in China as a corporation. So let me get this straight: You want Big Business to affect government in a foreign country? How about we have big business affect government here at home? Omigod -- you CAN'T do that! We hate lobbyists, we don't want large corporations influencing government, wah, wah, wah. Just remember 'What goes around comes around.' If we're so willing to dictate how this is all going to come down in someone else's backyard, we'd better be prepared to suck it up and swallow it over here.

I applaud Google for their decision to launch in China after negotiating some terms that they could live with and allow them to bring their technology to the general population. Simply put, you can't play if you don't have a seat at the table. And I think I'd rather have Google at the table. Moreover, as I understand it, Google struck a somewhat more creative and liberal approach than Yahoo or Microsoft. Yahoo in fact recently had to hand over the name of a dissident blogger and that dude is in jail right now as I post this blog.

It was interesting that Congress called a hearing on this issue and no one showed up. However, Google did officially send a statement and you can read it in its entirety here.

The Big Mohammed Cartoon Flap in Europe

If you haven't heard anything about the growing protests across the Muslim world that started when a Dutch newspaper published a cartoon depicting a terrorist Mohammed, here's a link to that cartoon and more. And another one here. In case you didn't know, it's taboo to depict Mohammed or Allah according to the Koran. Geez, they're only cartoons...

Another Oldie: Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

A couple of friends of mine sent me this piece again recently and apparently it's made its way online over the past couple of years. Can't really attest to its authenticity (I admit it would probably be reasonably easy to do but who likes Dr. Laura anyway?). I do still remember the controversy she sparked in citing the Bible on gays. Here's the intro:

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Editing and Context

A while back, some folks did a very creative re-mix of the trailer for the movie, The Shining with Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall. It made the movie appear to be more of a romantic family movie instead of the Steven King thriller that it really was. Well, the folks at tomatopatch.com did a re-mix for Tom Hanks' Sleepless in Seattle and made it look like a sinister movie instead of the romantic comedy it really is. Fun trailers.

An Oldie but Goodie: Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Phone Prank Gone Bad

A lot of radio stations seem to be jumping on the bandwagon of making live prank calls to people during their shows. Unfortunately, they sometimes run the risk of going the wrong way... Candid Camera never seemed to ever get this mean. (Windows wma file -- 920k)

Old Lovers

The old man leans over and asks his old lover, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well"

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about forty minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing I've got to ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Commercial of the Week: Sony VAIO

The best of working from home from Sony. But then, no one ever does this, right? (Windows wmv file approx. 3.0 Mb)

Deduct-A-Buck

Well, it's tax season once again and H&R Block is working overtime. But they still managed to find time to create a fun new website (H&R Block -- FUN?!!!) called Deduct-A-Buck featuring their very own gameshow host, Max Refund. Guess the five correct answers and qualify to win real prizes. What a great promo idea from a normally staid company.

Bustabot -- The First Online Pop-Up Book

I love to collect pop-up books of all kinds. Some of my favorite books are interactive and since our housefire a couple of years back, I've been adding all of Robert Sabuda's books to my new collection. Anyway, I just discovered this interesting link today for the Adventures of Bustabot. You can make the images move or pop up by pulling (clicking and dragging) the tabs on each page. Fun!

Women Will Never Understand...

Hey -- the Seattle Seahawks are goin' to the Superbowl next weekend! I generally love going out to shop on Superbowl Sunday because there's almost NO traffic on the roads and not very many men in the stores once that game starts. Seattle will probably resemble a ghost town when Superbowl XL starts. And with that, here's a commercial for the Spanish Fox Sports that says it all.

How to Build a Sideways Room

Many of my friends also know that I never actually officially graduated from high school (I never went back to write a history exam to up my score -- oh well...). But if I had gone on to college, this is the kind of stunt I'd probably also have been doing there. This kid has documented his sideways room project complete with photos on LiveJournal. Hmmm -- April Fools Day is coming up!

Get Your Last Best Chance DVD Here

Last Best Chance is a new movie that was backed by a surprising group of people bonded by a common goal: preventing the proliferation of nuclear and biological weapons into evil hands. Their website tells you more about the movie and recent reviews and you can actually order the movie as a FREE DVD directly from them (postage included!).

Last Best Chance was originally shown on HBO. Their backers are a bipartisan, international coalition of liberal AND conservative leaders and actors who all want to get this chilling message across to as many people as possible. Spread the word and order the movie.

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia (Sadly)

Aussie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

Aussie says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

A Woman from the Inside Out

Nothing dirty here. But this is some really cool code work to present a drawing that seems to draw itself. I played with the speed and the high/low resolution settings for some interesting effects. I can see why it won awards.

Want to Waste Some Time Today?

For those of you with a love for stupid computer games...

Catholic Code Words

I always suspected that different groups and religious affiliations had their own secret codes. The Masons have always had their special books and secret handshake. Well, someone sent me this Catholic Code list today and I decided it was worth passing on:

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Commercial of the Week: Smartest Man in the World

This one's an ad for Montavit Mineral Water, which uses the byline "A Moment of Clarity." About 46 seconds and funny (at least for guys!). (MPG file format 3.8 Mb)

T-Shirts as Great Social Humor

A lot of my old friends know me as having made my first big bucks in the t-shirt business. So while I have sworn off ever wearing imprinted t-shirts or logo-branded crap for life, it doesn't mean I don't appreciate an exceptionally funny one that comes along on rare occasion.

I looked on the t-shirt phenomenon as something of a social commentary for the times. When I first started printing them in the late 60's (right after the short-lived tie-dyed craze), the more irreverant the better. We made political statements and made fun of corporate slogans, among some of the subjects we picked. This clip came over the wire today that covered a company producing the Willy Nagin and the Chocolate Factory t-shirts and bumper stickers. I love it! Here's to Ray Nagin -- Eat chocolate, you racist bastard!

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(Notice I posted this in large type so you can read it)

World's Dumbest Dog

This dog has got to be the all-time stupidest dog I've ever seen or it's suffering from the worst case of canine dementia I've ever seen. (Windows Media format 2.9 Mb wmv file)

Like Word Puzzles and Mind Games?

Here's a fun Mensa-style test on old English expressions. Amazing how many you know (or don't know).

Getting from Here to There (or There to Here)

The never-ending number of places where you can find information simply numbs the mind. Want to know the distance from city-to-city in the States? Click here. Or you can also look up other destinations around the globe.

How to Set a Table

Here it is, albeit late for the holidays this year. But in case you ever wondered where everything goes on a table...

Stop-Motion Photography

Photography has come a long way since the days of Eadweard Muybridge and his trip-wire photographs of humans, animals and humans AND animals, all caught in mid-movement. Here's a collection of some incredibly crisp photos that truly seem to stop time.

So There was This Deer on the Hood of A Car, see...

From Comedy Central, a funny 3-minute clip of a dead deer strapped to the hood of a car. Always fun messin' with people's heads... (Windows WMV Media file: 5.2 Mb)

The Norwegian Firetruck

One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo in Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire & fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

All in the Name of Science

[This is too funny! No offense intended to anyone in Arkansas that I might happen to know... Wait! Wait! I don't KNOW anyone in Arkansas!]

A small zoo in Arkansas received a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla - a female - became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available to take care of the situation.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'run raised Southern Baptist." Once again, the Keeper agreed.

"And last of all", Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Senior Center Party

Last night I went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce and ornery old Dick Thompson usually cops a feel or two from the ladies.

We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got into a pinch over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Sarasota to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced...

That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.

Well, that's another story...

Parking Problems?

I could be sexist and say that this is the perfect car for a woman but I think this is a great idea for anyone living in the city. (Windows WMV file 1.65 Mb)

The Sneeze...

I've seen variations on this one but it never ceases to amaze and entertain. All I can say is 'What a sneeze!' (Windows WMV file 1.2 Mb)

Horny French Guy

But this is NOT what you might think. Fun to watch. (Windows WMV file 3.8 Mb)

Who's the Dummy?

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Something to Ponder

A friend sent me this link to a page that elaborates what it might be like if the entire globe consisted of a village with just one hundred people. Food for thought for the New Year...

Two Styles of Yoga

It always amazes me when I see how similar some cross-cultural traditions can be, even when they're from opposite ends of the continent.

Traditional Indian Yoga:











Traditional Irish Yoga:

Another Little Distraction...

And while you're at it, how about a new site that I consider the Wiki of How to Do Things -- Instructables? You can post and share your own instructions on how to do something you know well (or not-so-well...).

History of the Best UFO Pictures Ever Taken

For all you old X-Files fans out there, being able to see all of the best UFO pictures taken over the years from as far back as 1870 (What? They have pictures of UFO's from 1870?!!) is like heaven. Here's a link to Page 1 of The Best UFO Pictures Even Taken and you can then follow them through the years to modern times. You can also hit their main page and check out all their other research, pictures and even videos.

From Outer Space

Want to see an exploding star? From Space.com.

Doogle: The Irish Search Engine

This one's bound to make anyone chuckle. Especially if you're Irish... (Tom, do you hear me?)

New Living Will

Feel free to download and use! Click on the image to enlarge and then right-click to download. (approx. 60K gif file)

More Scoop on FREE 4-1-1 -- It's for REAL!

A lot of my friends wrote back to me on my earlier posting on a service called FREE 4-1-1; some of you are just wa-ay too skeptical. I posted about how you can get no-fee telephone listing information simply by dialing 1 (800) FREE 411. Guess what? It's real! Here's the confirmation on FREE 411 from Snopes.com, the Urban Legends site. Apparently they make money from occasionally slipping in a commercial (every third inquiry or so and it only lasts about 12 seconds -- very tolerable considering the cell phone companies charge you $1.50 for each call and your regular phone company charges at least 75¢ per call).

And here's a link to the demo they made at Demo 2005 where they raised $400,000 of seed funding to get off the ground. Not only that, they also started a website where you can look up numbers as well: Free411.com. You gotta love these guys -- goes to show that when everyone else starts getting greedy and charging too much, there's an opportunity in there somewhere! (And in case you want to know more about them, here's a link to their main website.)

Demolitions: Good and Bad

I still remember sitting at the Harbour Club in Downtown Seattle on the morning of March 26, 2000 to watch the demolition of the old Kingdome. It was incredible watching the perfectly synchronized charges go off around the perimeter and up the sides, taking the whole complex down in a matter of a minute or so. (6 Mb MPG file) Then there are the Not-So-Successful demolition jobs like this one. (1.7 Mb Quicktime MOV file).

Commercial of the Week: How'd They DO That?!!

Here's an amazing remix of the Gene Kelly dance sequence from Singing in the Rain, completely modernized and made into a commercial for the Volkwagen Golf GTI. Impressive computer graphics work. Looks like we'll be seeing more of these in the future as CG continues to get better and better. Lots of dead movie stars making a comeback, no less... (Quicktime movie format, approx. 5.9 Mb)

Want to Get Rid of Your Old CD's AND Get a New iPod?

Millenium sells used CD's in Charleston, SC and needs to bulk up their inventory in the New Year. Guess what idea they came up with? They'll trade iPods for your used CD's! In person or by mail even! So here's their deal:

• 45 CDs = 512 MB iPod Shuffle
• 65 CDs = 1 GB iPod Shuffle
• 85 CDs = 2 GB iPod Nano
• 110 CDs = 4 GB Nano
• 130 CDs = 30 GB iPod
• 175 CDs = 60 GB iPod

Check out Millenium here while they're still accepting trades.

Fantastic Animal Photography

Just when you think you've gotten links to every cute wildlife photography site you could possibly imagine, a truly beautiful new one shows up in my Inbox. Check out Wild Things Photography

To Help You Stay Awake During Meetings or CLASS

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, conference call or class, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

• synergy
• strategic fit
• core competencies
• best practice
• bottom line
• revisit
• take that off-line
• 24/7
• out of the loop
• benchmark
• value-added
• pro-active
• win-win
• think outside the box
• fast track
• result-driven
• empower (or empowerment)
• knowledge base
• at the end of the day
• touch base
• mind-set
• client focus(ed)
• paradigm
• game plan
• leverage

and last but not least

• MOVING FORWARD...

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." -- Paul D., Caloundra

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -- David D., Rockhampton

"The atmosphere was tense! in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." -- Ben G., Sydney

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." -- Dr. Thomas, Rhiner

The ULTIMATE Music Mashup

Hey hip-hop ain't got nothing on this one! R. Luke duBois has taken a sound clip from each of the Billboard Annual Top 100 Songs since 1958 and plays it for one second for each week it was Number One on the charts that year. Apparently, it took him a few years to develop and refine his process. The entire piece takes 37 minutes to play and the video screen at the top actually tells you which song is currently playing. Insane! I don't think I recognized a single clip! Anyway, here's the link to R. Luke DuBois' Billboard piece. (Do give it a minute or two to load, even on broadband!)

Boing Boing: How to break Silly Putty

Remember Silly Putty? And how you could snap it into pieces if you yanked it quickly enough? Well, a Google employee lumped 250 lbs of it together and then tried to break it into pieces (unsuccessfully). Here's a scientific approach on Boing Boing on how to break Silly Putty. Boing Boing: How to break Silly Putty

How to Fold a T-shirt

After all my years in the t-shirt business, I thought I'd learn everything there was to know about printing and folding them. But here's a really novel and cool new way to fold a t-shirt perfectly (complete with video and background music!).

Other Great Uses for TiVo

Ha ha -- This is rich. A bunch of college buddies decide on a creative use for their TiVo to play a prank on one of them. As presented on Google video. Very original.

Tired of Paying $1.50 for 4-1-1 on Your Cell Phone?

Pass this on to everyone you know who has a cell phone!

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls when they don't have to. When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1 (800) FREE 411 or 1 (800) 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call.

This is information people don't mind receiving so let everyone know. I really tried it and it worked! It even works on a regular land line, so say goodbye to those 75¢ fees from your phone company as well!

Great Idea! Cash pours in for student with $million Web idea

This article just in from Reuters News Service:

LONDON (Reuters) - If you have an envious streak, you probably shouldn't read this.

Because chances are, Alex Tew, a 21-year-old student from a small town in England, is cleverer than you. And he is proving it by earning a cool million dollars in four months on the Internet.

Selling porn? Dealing prescription drugs? Nope. All he sells are pixels, the tiny dots on the screen that appear when you call up his home page.

He had the brainstorm for his million dollar home page, called, logically enough, www.milliondollarhomepage.com, while lying in bed thinking out how he would pay for university.

Read the rest of the article here.

The REAL Story of How the Internet was Started

Actually an oldie but goodie...


As told by old, bearded shepherds with crooked staves who walk up (and climb on) to stone pulpits and to pass their wisdom:

"And, Lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com"

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but smply said, " How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and there was immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth a greedy horsefly taketh to camel dung. These men were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, Lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums so that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of the Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would
work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, " Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.

As abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it later came to be known, "eBay", he said," We need a name that reflects what we are."

and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

And Abraham did shout, "Whoopie!"

"No, YAHOO!," said Dot Com.

...and that is how it all began. See, it wasn't Al Gore after all...

GEEZER TEST! ARE YOU "OLDER THAN DIRT?"

I've been receiving different versions of the Geezer Test over the holidays and found the best version (complete with answers!) on Frank Kaiser's Suddenly Senior site.

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?

a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps

5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate-licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of string or twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?

a. A cold
b. VD
c. Cooties

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"

a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you "high"
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos

18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"

a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the group who made the song "The Gypsy" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Cooties.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

*Barry Hollander, sharp-eyed reader of Generations and The Senior Connection of Howard County MD, said that he remembers Princess Summerfallwinterspring as a real person. We checked it out and, sure enough, before the puppet, there was a live princess. Here's what John Lockwood at http://www.concentric.net/~Lockwooj/TV.HTM says, "Princess Summerfallwinterspring was portrayed by a young actress and was a lot less offensive than Thunderthud. Sadly, the young woman was killed in an automobile accident during one Doody season and her character was quietly dropped from the show. The following fall, however, they decided to reintroduce the Indian maid. Amid much fanfare and right on the air, in front of the peanut gallery, Buffalo Bob breathlessly introduced the new Princess Summerfallwinterspring! I was excited. Just think, a new Indian Princess and in my lifetime, too. I had heard that she had been killed in car crash, but I did not really understand at that age exactly what that meant. I was more than slightly taken aback when the camera panned across Doodyville and alighted upon - a puppet. "My God! she turned into a puppet!", I thought. To this day, I wonder what they were thinking. Maybe they thought we wouldn't notice. I did. I noticed right away."

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."

**Equally sharp-eyed reader, Rich Hovey, says, "For the record --
The purple ink wasn't exactly ink (more like a carbon paper released from a backing by the strong smelling fluid) and wasn't from a mimeograph machine -- it was from a Ditto machine. The Ditto replaced the black-ink mimeograph for most teacher-produced worksheets during the '50s and '60s I believe. The mimeograph hung in there a while for printing longer runs of material usually to be distributed to all students in the school."

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING

17 — 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 — 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 – 11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer. Redeem yourself by declaring to everyone that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.

How to Install A Wireless Security System Down South

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."

Late Santa Cartoon -- but good!

Not Politically Correct... but true?

"Chief Two Eagles," asked the Bureau of Indian Affairs official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that. "

Homeless Inventor Sends New York Yankees a Bill for Winning World Series

OK Check this out -- true news story. A homeless guys claims he invented some cooling pipe that you wear around your neck to stay cool (doesn't Sharper Image have one of those things?) and that it helped the New York Yankees to break their 15-year losing streak and clinch the World Series in 1996 over the Atlanta Braves. He wants $1.5 million plus another $1 million to help him start the business. Nice money if you can get it, right? Here's the article from the New York Daily News.

Finding the Lowest Gas Prices in Your Neighborhood

A lot of new maps have popped up that allow you to punch in your zip code and find the cheapest gas in your area. Here's one that covers the United States and Canada. And here's Microsoft's own gas price tracker.

Christmas Carols for Psychological Disorders

Schizophrenia: "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Multiple personality disorder: "We Three Queens Disoriented Are"

Dementia: "I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas"

Narcissistic: "Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me"

Manic: "Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants"

Paranoid: "Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me"

Personality disorder: "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You"

Obsessive-compulsive disorder: "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock." (Better start again.)

Passive-aggressive personality: "On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and Then Took It All Away)"

Borderline personality disorder: "Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire"

Pictures of the Year from Reuters News Service

At the end of each year, Reuters News Service goes through their past year of news photos and selects their Best of the Best. Some great pieces that remind us of all things 2005 -- good and bad.

Commercial of the Week from Princess Cruises

Have you ever been stuck like this on an airplane flight? (Windows WMV file approx. 2.6 Mb)

More Odd Facts

• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Almonds are members of the peach family.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
• Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life".
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Differences between Men and Women con'd

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

A Christmas Carol from Penguin Books

This holiday season, Penguin Books has found a clever way to promote the new MP3 Podcasts of their vast book collection. They've decided to post Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol for free download in six parts from now until Christmas. I think they're planning on deleting it some time right after the holidays so you may want to download them all as soon as they come up; they just put up the last piece -- Part 5 -- tonight. A nice Christmas goodie from Penguin!

Like Cats?

Found a site made for Christmas -- WITH cats!

Pool Hall Surprise

Once in a while a cute kid video comes along that's worth a few chuckles and is well-worth the bandwidth to host and post.

How to Avoid a Police Beating over the Holidays

While I don't always like him, Chris Rock says this best! Some good advice for the holidays!

Back Up and Running

Well, after a couple of months of some serious craziness, I've decided to start my blogging all over again. But rather than hooking back into my old blogs I decided it might be better to create a couple of new ones with a completely different look. I may re-post some of my older stuff later but for now, I'll be posting more of the best (or stupidest) stuff to hit my Inbox every day.