Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Surprisingly, you can now carry a disposable safety razor in your carry-on bag but cigarette lighters are apparently now banned.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Q) You're in the Middle East, you're a police officer and you find a suspicious abandoned briefcase. You might think it's a bomb. What should you do?
A) Clear the area and call the bomb squad?
B) Open it yourself without any protective equipment while being assisted by other police equally unprotected and allow bystanders to look over your shoulder and crowd around?
What did this police officer do?
Monday, May 23, 2005
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
If ever the idea of doing a deal with the devil ever applied, Mamie must have cut one helluva deal! We should all be so lucky.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Two guys are in an office, the first turns to the second and says "I've got to get out of here, this place is doing my head in -- I'm going to take the day off."
The second guy turns to him and says "Well, how are going to do that?"
"Watch." And with that, he climbs a ladder. In a little while, their boss walks through the office and spots the ladder with one of his employees at the top of it.
He asks him why he's up there and the employee tells him he's a light-bulb. The boss tells him to get back to work and the employee says "I can't. I'm a light-bulb!" So the boss tells him to go home and get some rest and maybe go see the doctor.
As the employee leaves, his colleague joins him and the boss asks him where he's going. He turns around and says, "Well, I can't be expected to work in the dark, can I?!!"
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
9) Directions to your Doctor's office include: "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."
5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typographical error.
3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape
Monday, May 16, 2005
- After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.
- Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
- Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
- Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
- Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
- When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
- Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
- Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
- When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
- Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
This composite is from six different shots I took over Lake Union across the street from my studio. Needless to say, you can tell I'm humbled and impressed by these guys! IMHO this program is better than ANYTHING Adobe Photoshop offers and the Beta version is still available as a FREE download right now.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Politically Minded - 28
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2005-05-10, 8:59PM PDT
Looking for a smart, sexy guy to play with in Seattle. Please, no Republicans idiots. Send a picture, and I'll reply in kind. Don't worry, I'm very attractive.
- this is in or around Seattle
- no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: 2005-05-11, 9:41AM PDT
This is funny. So much for the “tolerance”. I bet she thinks of herself as an open-minded person and doesn’t see her close-minded attitude.
Not to worry, “idiot” Republicans wouldn’t stoop to someone who says “Don’t worry, I’m attractive”. Yeah, we believe you.
Bet she’s just HOT!
- this is in or around Greater Seattle
- no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I'm posting this on my two main blogs and I'd love it if everyone would forward this link to as many people as they know so the message goes out.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Saturday, May 07, 2005
How to get there:
- Type 'Rachel, NV' into Google, select Google Maps, go to 'satellite'
- Zoom out three levels until you see several white splotches (salt flats, I presume)
- Double click on the salt flat that's now along the left edge, an inch or two below the Zoom bar
- Zoom back in a few levels