All in the Name of Science

[This is too funny! No offense intended to anyone in Arkansas that I might happen to know... Wait! Wait! I don't KNOW anyone in Arkansas!]

A small zoo in Arkansas received a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla - a female - became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available to take care of the situation.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions.

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the chil'run raised Southern Baptist." Once again, the Keeper agreed.

"And last of all", Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

Senior Center Party

Last night I went to a party at our local senior center. The last Saturday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce and ornery old Dick Thompson usually cops a feel or two from the ladies.

We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got into a pinch over some marijuana with the law out in Phoenix and he came to Sarasota to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced...

That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.

Well, that's another story...

Parking Problems?

I could be sexist and say that this is the perfect car for a woman but I think this is a great idea for anyone living in the city. (Windows WMV file 1.65 Mb)

The Sneeze...

I've seen variations on this one but it never ceases to amaze and entertain. All I can say is 'What a sneeze!' (Windows WMV file 1.2 Mb)

Horny French Guy

But this is NOT what you might think. Fun to watch. (Windows WMV file 3.8 Mb)

Who's the Dummy?

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Something to Ponder

A friend sent me this link to a page that elaborates what it might be like if the entire globe consisted of a village with just one hundred people. Food for thought for the New Year...

Two Styles of Yoga

It always amazes me when I see how similar some cross-cultural traditions can be, even when they're from opposite ends of the continent.

Traditional Indian Yoga:











Traditional Irish Yoga:

Another Little Distraction...

And while you're at it, how about a new site that I consider the Wiki of How to Do Things -- Instructables? You can post and share your own instructions on how to do something you know well (or not-so-well...).

History of the Best UFO Pictures Ever Taken

For all you old X-Files fans out there, being able to see all of the best UFO pictures taken over the years from as far back as 1870 (What? They have pictures of UFO's from 1870?!!) is like heaven. Here's a link to Page 1 of The Best UFO Pictures Even Taken and you can then follow them through the years to modern times. You can also hit their main page and check out all their other research, pictures and even videos.

From Outer Space

Want to see an exploding star? From Space.com.

Doogle: The Irish Search Engine

This one's bound to make anyone chuckle. Especially if you're Irish... (Tom, do you hear me?)

New Living Will

Feel free to download and use! Click on the image to enlarge and then right-click to download. (approx. 60K gif file)

More Scoop on FREE 4-1-1 -- It's for REAL!

A lot of my friends wrote back to me on my earlier posting on a service called FREE 4-1-1; some of you are just wa-ay too skeptical. I posted about how you can get no-fee telephone listing information simply by dialing 1 (800) FREE 411. Guess what? It's real! Here's the confirmation on FREE 411 from Snopes.com, the Urban Legends site. Apparently they make money from occasionally slipping in a commercial (every third inquiry or so and it only lasts about 12 seconds -- very tolerable considering the cell phone companies charge you $1.50 for each call and your regular phone company charges at least 75¢ per call).

And here's a link to the demo they made at Demo 2005 where they raised $400,000 of seed funding to get off the ground. Not only that, they also started a website where you can look up numbers as well: Free411.com. You gotta love these guys -- goes to show that when everyone else starts getting greedy and charging too much, there's an opportunity in there somewhere! (And in case you want to know more about them, here's a link to their main website.)

Demolitions: Good and Bad

I still remember sitting at the Harbour Club in Downtown Seattle on the morning of March 26, 2000 to watch the demolition of the old Kingdome. It was incredible watching the perfectly synchronized charges go off around the perimeter and up the sides, taking the whole complex down in a matter of a minute or so. (6 Mb MPG file) Then there are the Not-So-Successful demolition jobs like this one. (1.7 Mb Quicktime MOV file).

Commercial of the Week: How'd They DO That?!!

Here's an amazing remix of the Gene Kelly dance sequence from Singing in the Rain, completely modernized and made into a commercial for the Volkwagen Golf GTI. Impressive computer graphics work. Looks like we'll be seeing more of these in the future as CG continues to get better and better. Lots of dead movie stars making a comeback, no less... (Quicktime movie format, approx. 5.9 Mb)

Want to Get Rid of Your Old CD's AND Get a New iPod?

Millenium sells used CD's in Charleston, SC and needs to bulk up their inventory in the New Year. Guess what idea they came up with? They'll trade iPods for your used CD's! In person or by mail even! So here's their deal:

• 45 CDs = 512 MB iPod Shuffle
• 65 CDs = 1 GB iPod Shuffle
• 85 CDs = 2 GB iPod Nano
• 110 CDs = 4 GB Nano
• 130 CDs = 30 GB iPod
• 175 CDs = 60 GB iPod

Check out Millenium here while they're still accepting trades.

Fantastic Animal Photography

Just when you think you've gotten links to every cute wildlife photography site you could possibly imagine, a truly beautiful new one shows up in my Inbox. Check out Wild Things Photography

To Help You Stay Awake During Meetings or CLASS

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, conference call or class, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

• synergy
• strategic fit
• core competencies
• best practice
• bottom line
• revisit
• take that off-line
• 24/7
• out of the loop
• benchmark
• value-added
• pro-active
• win-win
• think outside the box
• fast track
• result-driven
• empower (or empowerment)
• knowledge base
• at the end of the day
• touch base
• mind-set
• client focus(ed)
• paradigm
• game plan
• leverage

and last but not least

• MOVING FORWARD...

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." -- Paul D., Caloundra

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -- David D., Rockhampton

"The atmosphere was tense! in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." -- Ben G., Sydney

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." -- Dr. Thomas, Rhiner

The ULTIMATE Music Mashup

Hey hip-hop ain't got nothing on this one! R. Luke duBois has taken a sound clip from each of the Billboard Annual Top 100 Songs since 1958 and plays it for one second for each week it was Number One on the charts that year. Apparently, it took him a few years to develop and refine his process. The entire piece takes 37 minutes to play and the video screen at the top actually tells you which song is currently playing. Insane! I don't think I recognized a single clip! Anyway, here's the link to R. Luke DuBois' Billboard piece. (Do give it a minute or two to load, even on broadband!)

Boing Boing: How to break Silly Putty

Remember Silly Putty? And how you could snap it into pieces if you yanked it quickly enough? Well, a Google employee lumped 250 lbs of it together and then tried to break it into pieces (unsuccessfully). Here's a scientific approach on Boing Boing on how to break Silly Putty. Boing Boing: How to break Silly Putty

How to Fold a T-shirt

After all my years in the t-shirt business, I thought I'd learn everything there was to know about printing and folding them. But here's a really novel and cool new way to fold a t-shirt perfectly (complete with video and background music!).

Other Great Uses for TiVo

Ha ha -- This is rich. A bunch of college buddies decide on a creative use for their TiVo to play a prank on one of them. As presented on Google video. Very original.

Tired of Paying $1.50 for 4-1-1 on Your Cell Phone?

Pass this on to everyone you know who has a cell phone!

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls when they don't have to. When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1 (800) FREE 411 or 1 (800) 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call.

This is information people don't mind receiving so let everyone know. I really tried it and it worked! It even works on a regular land line, so say goodbye to those 75¢ fees from your phone company as well!

Great Idea! Cash pours in for student with $million Web idea

This article just in from Reuters News Service:

LONDON (Reuters) - If you have an envious streak, you probably shouldn't read this.

Because chances are, Alex Tew, a 21-year-old student from a small town in England, is cleverer than you. And he is proving it by earning a cool million dollars in four months on the Internet.

Selling porn? Dealing prescription drugs? Nope. All he sells are pixels, the tiny dots on the screen that appear when you call up his home page.

He had the brainstorm for his million dollar home page, called, logically enough, www.milliondollarhomepage.com, while lying in bed thinking out how he would pay for university.

Read the rest of the article here.

The REAL Story of How the Internet was Started

Actually an oldie but goodie...


As told by old, bearded shepherds with crooked staves who walk up (and climb on) to stone pulpits and to pass their wisdom:

"And, Lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com"

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but smply said, " How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and there was immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth a greedy horsefly taketh to camel dung. These men were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, Lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums so that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of the Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would
work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, " Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.

As abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it later came to be known, "eBay", he said," We need a name that reflects what we are."

and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

And Abraham did shout, "Whoopie!"

"No, YAHOO!," said Dot Com.

...and that is how it all began. See, it wasn't Al Gore after all...

GEEZER TEST! ARE YOU "OLDER THAN DIRT?"

I've been receiving different versions of the Geezer Test over the holidays and found the best version (complete with answers!) on Frank Kaiser's Suddenly Senior site.

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?

a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps

5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate-licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of string or twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?

a. A cold
b. VD
c. Cooties

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"

a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you "high"
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos

18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"

a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the group who made the song "The Gypsy" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Cooties.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

*Barry Hollander, sharp-eyed reader of Generations and The Senior Connection of Howard County MD, said that he remembers Princess Summerfallwinterspring as a real person. We checked it out and, sure enough, before the puppet, there was a live princess. Here's what John Lockwood at http://www.concentric.net/~Lockwooj/TV.HTM says, "Princess Summerfallwinterspring was portrayed by a young actress and was a lot less offensive than Thunderthud. Sadly, the young woman was killed in an automobile accident during one Doody season and her character was quietly dropped from the show. The following fall, however, they decided to reintroduce the Indian maid. Amid much fanfare and right on the air, in front of the peanut gallery, Buffalo Bob breathlessly introduced the new Princess Summerfallwinterspring! I was excited. Just think, a new Indian Princess and in my lifetime, too. I had heard that she had been killed in car crash, but I did not really understand at that age exactly what that meant. I was more than slightly taken aback when the camera panned across Doodyville and alighted upon - a puppet. "My God! she turned into a puppet!", I thought. To this day, I wonder what they were thinking. Maybe they thought we wouldn't notice. I did. I noticed right away."

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."

**Equally sharp-eyed reader, Rich Hovey, says, "For the record --
The purple ink wasn't exactly ink (more like a carbon paper released from a backing by the strong smelling fluid) and wasn't from a mimeograph machine -- it was from a Ditto machine. The Ditto replaced the black-ink mimeograph for most teacher-produced worksheets during the '50s and '60s I believe. The mimeograph hung in there a while for printing longer runs of material usually to be distributed to all students in the school."

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING

17 — 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 — 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 – 11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer. Redeem yourself by declaring to everyone that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.

How to Install A Wireless Security System Down South

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."

Late Santa Cartoon -- but good!

Not Politically Correct... but true?

"Chief Two Eagles," asked the Bureau of Indian Affairs official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that. "

Homeless Inventor Sends New York Yankees a Bill for Winning World Series

OK Check this out -- true news story. A homeless guys claims he invented some cooling pipe that you wear around your neck to stay cool (doesn't Sharper Image have one of those things?) and that it helped the New York Yankees to break their 15-year losing streak and clinch the World Series in 1996 over the Atlanta Braves. He wants $1.5 million plus another $1 million to help him start the business. Nice money if you can get it, right? Here's the article from the New York Daily News.

Finding the Lowest Gas Prices in Your Neighborhood

A lot of new maps have popped up that allow you to punch in your zip code and find the cheapest gas in your area. Here's one that covers the United States and Canada. And here's Microsoft's own gas price tracker.

Christmas Carols for Psychological Disorders

Schizophrenia: "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Multiple personality disorder: "We Three Queens Disoriented Are"

Dementia: "I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas"

Narcissistic: "Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me"

Manic: "Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants"

Paranoid: "Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me"

Personality disorder: "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You"

Obsessive-compulsive disorder: "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock." (Better start again.)

Passive-aggressive personality: "On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and Then Took It All Away)"

Borderline personality disorder: "Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire"

Pictures of the Year from Reuters News Service

At the end of each year, Reuters News Service goes through their past year of news photos and selects their Best of the Best. Some great pieces that remind us of all things 2005 -- good and bad.

Commercial of the Week from Princess Cruises

Have you ever been stuck like this on an airplane flight? (Windows WMV file approx. 2.6 Mb)

More Odd Facts

• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Almonds are members of the peach family.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
• Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life".
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Differences between Men and Women con'd

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

A Christmas Carol from Penguin Books

This holiday season, Penguin Books has found a clever way to promote the new MP3 Podcasts of their vast book collection. They've decided to post Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol for free download in six parts from now until Christmas. I think they're planning on deleting it some time right after the holidays so you may want to download them all as soon as they come up; they just put up the last piece -- Part 5 -- tonight. A nice Christmas goodie from Penguin!

Like Cats?

Found a site made for Christmas -- WITH cats!

Pool Hall Surprise

Once in a while a cute kid video comes along that's worth a few chuckles and is well-worth the bandwidth to host and post.

How to Avoid a Police Beating over the Holidays

While I don't always like him, Chris Rock says this best! Some good advice for the holidays!

Back Up and Running

Well, after a couple of months of some serious craziness, I've decided to start my blogging all over again. But rather than hooking back into my old blogs I decided it might be better to create a couple of new ones with a completely different look. I may re-post some of my older stuff later but for now, I'll be posting more of the best (or stupidest) stuff to hit my Inbox every day.

Computer Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups; male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender "la computer," because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine "el computer," because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

As usual.... the women won.

Commercial of the Week from Adidas

Makes my back hurt just watching this one! I especially like the slogan on this new Adidas commercial. But you'll have to wait until the end to see it (WHAT?!! You thought I was going to tell you?) It's a 4.5 Mb asx file that should run on Windows Media Player and several others.

Bored in Your Motel Room, Road Warriors?

Those of you who travel a lot know what I mean when I talk about how thrilling it is to go back to the same four walls every night when you're on the road. When you have to live on the road, every joint pretty much starts to look the same. Well, be bored no more! Here's a Scabble game you can print out on a piece of paper and cut out for play. Invite your neighbors, order a pizza and enjoy a game or two!

Spam Stock Tracker

This is hilarious! I've been getting so many spam e-mails touting weenie -- er, penny -- stocks that that I simply decided to add the word "stock" to my spam filter. But just to see how poorly these spam scam stocks would have fared, Rob Brooks-Bilson set up the Spam Stock Tracker. Hmm -- if you had invested $17,000 you would have lost almost $8,000 in short order. Guess the guys selling the stock must have made out with all the IPO profits.

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they already know there isn't enough money in the account?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag ever opens from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. Why, why, why?

Flinston Tastes Good...

Remember all those nasty old cigarette commercials? And Joe Camel? Well, when the Flintstones first came out in 1960 as the first cartoon series for grown-ups, how could the big tobacco companies resist using the characters for an "endorsement" commercial. Fred and Barnie doing their thing for Winston cigarettes-- as the sexist cavemen that they were -- while Betty and Wilma carry on with the chores! (3.1 Mb QuickTime .mov movie file)

Hallowe'en Costume Ideas are Coming in Already!

Here it is, the first week of october and the Hallowe'en costume ideas are starting to come in already. This one's a terrific team effort and gets my vote so far for Best Costume of 2005!



Wait, wait! Is that Cindy Sheehan on the table?!! That woman will do anything to get in the picture!

Funniest Home Video of the Week

Will You Go Prom with Me? A completely uninhibited homemade video complete with unexpected Grandma and kid brother cameos. I give her a lot of credit for tenacity!

Men's and Women's Instructions for ATM Use

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

How Dodgy Are You? Take the Test

Are you a goodie two-shoes when it comes to toeing the line with the law? Or are you a scofflaw who likes to live dangerously? Although this is a British site, they manage to cite a lot of American examples. When you're finished with their questionnaire, they'll give you a score of just how bad you are and what kind of sentence you deserve for you evil ways! (I had a possible 27 years and $15,000 of fines!)

An Honest Website!

Wow! How refreshing! An honest website that is actually what their name implies: I Yi Yi Yi Yi!

Brain Teaser

If you stare at the the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, all the pink dots will slowly disappear and you'll only see a green dot rotating.

It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.

Hallowe'en Coming Soon

Well, heck -- I went to the store today and found a couple of aisles completely filled with Hallowe'en candy and goodies. Completely forgot that it was coming up at the end of the month already! Over the past week, it's gotten a lot cooler and wetter here in the Seattle area and the days are certainly getting shorter. It's like a switch went off on the first day of Fall. Anyway, someone sent me a self-running PowerPoint slideshow of Scott Cummins' fantastic pumpkins. It's about 1.75 Mb in size but well worth the download to watch it. You can also go to his website to look at more pumpkin carving masterpieces: PumpkinGutter. Keep in mind he's from Texas, so for all of you liberals out there: Don't get your underwear all twisted into a knot! It's all for fun!

Omigod -- Can Crushing Momma!

I can't believe they showed this on TV!

Hurricane Landfalls Since 1950

Click on the smaller image below to see a larger version of this map from the National Climatic Data Center in Asheville, North Carolina. The size and intensity appear to be pretty widely spread out up and down the entire Eastern seaboard and in the Gulf of Mexico. I sure didn't know there had been some Category 4 hits that far up the East Coast!

Gas Prices Can't Get Much Worse Than This!

BEWARE: Wild Coyotes

OK -- One for the Women: He Said, She Said...

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said... You wear pants, don't you?


He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.


He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


On a wall in a ladies room . "My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it... " I do not"


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.


Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.


Q.. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it's never happened.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A. They're married.


Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Programming Language Inventor or Serial Killer

Can you tell the difference between a Programming Language Inventor from a Serial Killer? Take this simple test.

Fall is Here!

Today's the first day of Fall! The South 47 Farm in Redmond has gotten their annual corn maze ready for public fun. This year, they've cut a giant American Gothic painting into their corn field as a maze. Get lost!



Here are directions and hours for The South 47 Farm. They're even open on a few evenings and suggest that you bring your own flashlight!

Late-Breaking Louisana News!

LATE BREAKING NEWS!

President Bush Sells Louisiana Back to the French

President Bush and a giddy Jacques Chirac shake hands on the deal.

BATON ROUGE, LA. - The White House announced today that President Bush has successfully sold the state of Louisiana back to the French at more than double its original selling price of $11,250,000.

"This is a bold step forward for America," said Bush. "And America will be stronger and better as a result. I stand here today in unity with French Prime Minister Jack Chiraq, who was so kind to accept my offer of Louisiana in exchange for 25 million dollars cash."

The state, ravaged by Hurricane Katrina, will cost hundreds of billions of dollars to rebuild.

"Jack understands full well that this one's a "fixer upper," said Bush. "He and the French people are quite prepared to pump out all that water, and make Louisiana a decent place to live again. And they've got a lot of work to do. But Jack's assured me, if it's not right, they're going to fix it."

The move has been met with incredulity from the beleaguered residents of Louisiana.

"Shuba-pie!" said New Orleans resident Willis Babineaux. "Frafer-perly yum kom drabby sham!"

However, President Bush's decision has been widely lauded by Republicans.

"This is an unexpected but brilliant move by the President," said Senate Majority Leader Bill First. "Instead of spending billions and billions, and billions of dollars rebuilding the state of Louisiana, we've just made 25 million dollars in pure profit."

"This is indeed a smart move," commented Fox News analyst Brit Hume. "Not only have we stopped the flooding in our own budget, we've made money on the deal.

The money gained from "The Louisiana Refund" is expected to be immediately pumped into the rebuilding of Iraq.

Pets in Uniform

A fun idea I thought worthy of posting this morning. Get your Christmas cards early featuring pictures of your pets in military uniforms of your choice.

My Kind of Learning Site

HowToons is a visual site that provides How to information on a growing range of subjects (mostly technical). It should go a long way in getting kids of all ages interested in how to do stuff. While you're at it, you (and your kids) may also want to check out their even wackier site, Instructables, where you can submit your own How to instructions. Brought to you by the good folks over at SquidLabs.

Why You Have to Go to the County Fair

A friend from down in LA sent me this great commercial for this year's LA County Fair. The clip speaks for itself... (mpg file 3.5 Mb)

Sphincter Don't Fail Me Now!

This is indisputably the tallest bridge in the world today! Groundbreaking was in October 2001 and completion was in January 2005. It was built to connect the highways going from Paris to Barcelona. You can read more about it on the BridgePros site here.

Click on the image below to enlarge it.

New for Your Car: BlondeStar

OnStar just keeps getting better all the time! Introducing BlondeSTAR just for blondes. (Windows Media wmv file 1.85 Mb)

Instant Kharma

Sometimes Kharma happens a lot quicker than you think. Check out this homemade video of a kid in the back seat of a car trying to knock the smaller kids off their bikes with his door. If you ever believed in justice and Kharma... (Windows Media wmv file -- approx. 900K)

How to Remove a Broken Key From a Lock

I love the eHow site. Their byline is Clear Instructions on How To Do (just about) Everything. Here are their simple steps on how to get a broken key out of a lock in a couple of simple steps. Home page and Index are here.

Bill Gates Meets Napoleon Dynamite

Well, the PDC 2005 Conference in L.A. is finally over. Microsoft introduced some of its latest vaporware and announced many of the features to be packed into Vista and Office Version 12. But the most important thing was a short video clip that Bill Gates showed to the audience on opening day. It shows Bill and Napoleon sharing a place in college with Bill eventually losing a slapping contest to Napoleon. So guess who gets to run Microsoft? The only copy available online right now is a shaky copy taken by someone who attended the conference. iFilm hosted it here and I'll update this link later if Microsoft eventually lets up and releases an original copy of this funny video on the world. Come on, Bill!

Spontaneous Human Combustion?

So all those urban legends about spontaneous human combustion keep you up late at night? More episodes of X-Files than you can remember? Here's a recent news story out of Sydney, Australia that will have your hair standing on end (Ha ha). I didn't know that this could really happen. Makes you think a little, no?

Power-dressing man leaves trail of destruction
Sept. 16, 2005

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static electricity in his clothes as he walked, leaving a trail of scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing firefighters to evacuate a building.

Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was building up as his clothes rubbed together.

Story con'd here.

Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

The Lawn Chair Drill Team

Just something silly for midweek. What more can you say? The title says it all. (Windows Media wmv file -- approx. 5.5 Mb)

Terrorist Training Camp

Advice from The Fruitcake Lady

A friend sent me a couple of the Fruitcake Lady clips this morning and I got some good chuckles out of her great advice. Here's one you can download here.

Marie Rudisill is a 93-year old lady from Florida who submitted a fruitcake recipe to Jay Leno years ago and started a surprising career as a geriatric advice maven. She first appeared on the Tonight Show in 2000 and quickly became a regular feature on the show. Take a look at her bio -- she happens to be Truman Capote's aunt! You can see more of her clips on the NBC website here.

Latest French Armstrong News

Armstrong Searched

The Associated Press
August 7, 2005; 11:00 PM

PARIS, France --

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South of France hotel room, while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker, Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be OK throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and a testicle.

The Guys' Version on Invention of the Wheel

A good candidate for commercial of the week.

Like Thrills?

Amusement park rides we would like to see. From Worth 1000's latest Photoshop contest.

Bored on Monday? Play Frisbee Dog

A small distraction for a slow Monday.

How to Tell If You're Driving Too Fast!

The ORIGINAL NerdTV

Holy cow! I just discovered the Original NerdTV and it was started in 2003 by someone over at the University of Washington as a way to bring lectures and programs from their campus out to the rest of the world. Check it out. Some deep stuff here.

Only by Download: NerdTV

This is where the state of download entertainment is going. Specialized programs either in radio or video format that you can download to your personal player to play whenever or wherever you want. NerdTV is Robert X. Cringely's new PBS show that interviews geeks that guys like me would love to see interviewed. They've used Creative Commons licensing to allow it to be freely distributed online to anyone who wants to download it to their device for personal viewing instead of through normal cable or satellite channels. A great way to kick off a new concept.

Polish Sausage

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".

The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something:

If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?

What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," said the clerk.

With self-indignation, the guy finally says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish -- just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Umm - because you're at Home Depot?"

Witches

This guy is about to jump off a bridge, when all of a sudden, behind him he hears "Don't jump! Don't jump!"

He looks around and there is an ugly-ugly old broad. She says "Don't jump. I am a witch and
I can grant you any three wishes you want."

He starts to think about money and cars, and says, "What's the catch?"

"You have to sleep with me first," says the old broad.

He looks at the ugly hag but finally agrees. They go to her place and do the nasty deed! He then says, "For my first wish..."

She interrupts him and asks, "How old are you?"

He answers, "Forty-two."

And she says, "Hmmm... And you still believe in witches?"

Top 50 Oxymorons

Top 50 Oxymorons

50. Detailed Summary
49. Devout Atheist
48. Even Odds
47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. Toll Free
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXY-Moron

1. Microsoft Works (A little technology humor there)

Religious Philosophies Simplified

Catholicism: If shit happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?

Buddhism: When shit happens, is it really shit?

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens Rama Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit.

Atheist: No shit.

Ever Want a Penguin for a Pet?

I still can't really tell if this site's a gag or not! Had no idea that penguins might be available. But I suppose if all manner of other animals have been domesticated, penguins wouldn't be far behind. Of course, the company lists its address as Eau Claire, Wisconsin -- brrrr! Buy several!

NEW NOTE: Hey, absolutely positively this is a gag site that's been around for a while (but still a well done website!). You can read about it here on Snopes.com.

Libelous Claims About Large Corporations

Well, the title just about says it all. Just some dopey fun.

Coming to Your Neighborhood Soon: New Classes for Men!

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

ALL ARE WELCOME -- OPEN TO MEN ONLY

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET PAPER ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE GARBAGE CAN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available

Your Own Personalized Google Page

Go here and type in a title you'd like to see at the top of your Google Search page.

Canada in a Nutshell

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 per cent instead of approximately 200 per cent for the rest of the country.
4. Flames vs. Oilers.
5. Stamps vs. Eskies.
6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
3. Your province is really easy to draw.
4. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard transmission.
5. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house.
6. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
7. People will assume you live on a farm.
8. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.
2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
7. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off.
8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the center of the universe.
5. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next.
4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%".

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston. 5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.
8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss dead cod.
3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
6. The workday is about two hours long.
7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day.

The Nut Bra

Slightly off-color but probably acceptable for MY kind of friends. Introducing the Nut Bra (from MTV2). (Windows Media wmv file -- 3.4 Mb) Not sure if I recommend playing this one at the office (you might laugh too hard!)

New Orleans Looting Deterrent

Just Bought Gas!

And this is what my piggy bank looks like now!

Lower Back Tattoo Remover

Getting older is sometimes not a pretty sight!

New Orleans from Satellite

Here are constantly updated before-and-after pictures of New Orleans by satellite from Hurricane Katrina. You'll see that most of the city is underwater. The pictures of the Superdome are equally shocking.

Latest Gas Prices

Queen Elizabeth Meets Dolly Parton at the Pearly Gates

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's a particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then she spits into the toilet and pulls the lever.

The angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turn me down. She simply gargles and she gets in. Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

Why Math is Taught in School...

(Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one of them the finger?

I don't think so.