Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
As Seen on TV
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
Zogg First Reader
Remember those kids' Little Golden Books? Cute and innocent. But a recently-discovered old volume holds an incredible secret message. How did we miss it? (A fun read.)
Resistance is futile. We are Zogg.
Resistance is futile. We are Zogg.
Monday, August 08, 2005
My Experiences with Calling Tech Support
My sympathies exactly. Turn up the sound and sit back for this great cartoon on Tech Support.
Best Pictures I've Seen of the Northern Lights
One of these days, I'll go up to the North Pole to see The Northern Lights (often referred to as the Aurora Borealis). These are definitely some of the best shots I've seen. Click on a thumbnail to see the larger image.
The Undrinkable Cocktail
As the byline says, "These alcoholic beverages may not kill you,
but you'll wish they had."
Such delectable and irresistable refreshments such as Army Worm Wine and Three-Penis Wine. Yumm. (Barf!) Check out The Daily Lush.
but you'll wish they had."
Such delectable and irresistable refreshments such as Army Worm Wine and Three-Penis Wine. Yumm. (Barf!) Check out The Daily Lush.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Not Really a Joke: History Quiz
Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual Events from history. They all actually happened!
Do you remember?
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17and 40
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17and 40
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners haven't been allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and even Medal-of-Honor-winning former Governor Joe Foss, but they leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.
Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Alreds and other civil libertarians along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense. As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."
Keep this going. Forward this page on to everyone in your address book. Our Country and our troops need our support.
Oh -- and guess who just bombed London?
Do you remember?
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17and 40
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17and 40
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners haven't been allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and even Medal-of-Honor-winning former Governor Joe Foss, but they leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.
Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Alreds and other civil libertarians along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense. As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."
Keep this going. Forward this page on to everyone in your address book. Our Country and our troops need our support.
Oh -- and guess who just bombed London?
Mugshot of the Day
The title of this website says it all: Mugshot of the Day.
Or better yet, you can see what your mugshot would look like by filling out the information here. They promise not to post your gag mugshot online!
Or better yet, you can see what your mugshot would look like by filling out the information here. They promise not to post your gag mugshot online!
Strip Club Owner Raises Ire With New Sign
From The LA Daily Breeze
Aug. 5, 2005
LOS ANGELES (AP) - For years, Howard White has advertised his strip club near Los Angeles International Airport with a not too subtle marquee reading "Live Nude Nude Nudes."
But some tourists and nearby businesses say White has gone too far with his latest pitch for the Century Lounge: a freshly posted sign proclaiming "Vaginas R' Us."
"We don't appreciate the signage and we're working with the city to make sure this establishment is adhering to all codes," said Laurie Hughes , executive director of Gateway to L.A., an association that promotes businesses along Century Boulevard just east of the airport.
White, who posted the new sign Tuesday, says he's simply advertising his business.
"In a sort of a naive way, I felt that there was nothing terrible about it since the 'Vagina Monologues' was on Broadway forever," White said. "I didn't feel there was anything terrible about it."
Los Angeles city officials say White's sign doesn't break the law.
"The word 'vagina' is not an obscene word and we're not in a position to question the First Amendment," said City Councilman Bill Rosendahl, whose district includes the airport area.
But the business association is pursuing another avenue of attack. It contacted the retailer Toys R Us, which aggressively defends its trademark name.
Toys R Us spokeswoman Susan McLaughlin said the company knows about White's sign and will be "looking into it immediately."
In the meantime, White will have to take his sign down - temporarily.
The new sign, which is pasted over a portion of the original marquee, is made of combustible plastic vinyl that violates the municipal code. White was served with a citation Thursday, and has until the close of business Sunday to replace the sign, said David Keim, the city's chief of code enforcement.
Aug. 5, 2005
LOS ANGELES (AP) - For years, Howard White has advertised his strip club near Los Angeles International Airport with a not too subtle marquee reading "Live Nude Nude Nudes."
But some tourists and nearby businesses say White has gone too far with his latest pitch for the Century Lounge: a freshly posted sign proclaiming "Vaginas R' Us."
"We don't appreciate the signage and we're working with the city to make sure this establishment is adhering to all codes," said Laurie Hughes , executive director of Gateway to L.A., an association that promotes businesses along Century Boulevard just east of the airport.
White, who posted the new sign Tuesday, says he's simply advertising his business.
"In a sort of a naive way, I felt that there was nothing terrible about it since the 'Vagina Monologues' was on Broadway forever," White said. "I didn't feel there was anything terrible about it."
Los Angeles city officials say White's sign doesn't break the law.
"The word 'vagina' is not an obscene word and we're not in a position to question the First Amendment," said City Councilman Bill Rosendahl, whose district includes the airport area.
But the business association is pursuing another avenue of attack. It contacted the retailer Toys R Us, which aggressively defends its trademark name.
Toys R Us spokeswoman Susan McLaughlin said the company knows about White's sign and will be "looking into it immediately."
In the meantime, White will have to take his sign down - temporarily.
The new sign, which is pasted over a portion of the original marquee, is made of combustible plastic vinyl that violates the municipal code. White was served with a citation Thursday, and has until the close of business Sunday to replace the sign, said David Keim, the city's chief of code enforcement.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Do You Know Where Your Eggs Have Been?
Hey -- this company goes right up there with some of the coolest. What a great idea! They use superfast lasers to mark eggs so they're literally traceable from the chicken all the way to your dinner table. When you read about all the different ways that eggs can get messed up, you'll understand the simple business model for demand and fast growth. What is more remarkable is how they've literally built an entire logistical back-end for this tracking process.
Oh Boy! The Official Pee Wee Herman Website!
May Pee Wee live forever! I just found the official Pee Wee website -- and you can even download wallpapers for your desktop!
The Many Uses of Vaseline
Many uses for Vaseline A man was doing market research. He knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She replied, "Why, yes. My husband and I use it frequently."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it when we have sex."
The researcher was a bit taken aback. He told the lady, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that many people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me how you use it for sex?"
Without hesitation the lady answered, "I don't mind telling you at all. We put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She replied, "Why, yes. My husband and I use it frequently."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it when we have sex."
The researcher was a bit taken aback. He told the lady, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that many people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me how you use it for sex?"
Without hesitation the lady answered, "I don't mind telling you at all. We put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Telemarketer Joke from a Friend
The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it, I was greeted with "Hello. Is this Karl Brummer?" Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber-Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." Then I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called into a murder scene and would have to stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a subpoena to appear in court to testify in this murder case.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was obviously getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody and at that point I heard the phone fall and the sound of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold but after what I had just pulled off, it was the best meal in a long, long time.
I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was obviously getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody and at that point I heard the phone fall and the sound of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold but after what I had just pulled off, it was the best meal in a long, long time.
Web Site Devotes Itself to Strange Firings
Web Site Devotes Itself to Strange Firings
Aug 3, 2005
By The Associated Press
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Getting fired is rarely a happy event, but that doesn't mean you can't have a sense of humor about it. That's what Simply Hired, a 5-month-old employment-related Internet startup, counted on when it started an affiliated Web site devoted to the stories of workers who have received a pink slip for a silly, outrageous or embarrassing reason.
The Mountain View-based company is even offering a prize to the biggest "loser" - a Caribbean cruise that will include passengers famously fired by Donald Trump on his popular television show, "The Apprentice."
The contest will be judged by a panel that includes Phil Kaplan, an irreverent entrepreneur who learned a thing or two about sad-sack stories while running a Web site about the foibles of failing Internet companies during the dot-com bust.
Kaplan's old site, which had a profane name, helped inspire simplyfired.com, said Kay Luo, marketing manager for Simply Hired, whose specialty search engine scours for job listing posted on help-wanted sites such as Monster.com, HotJobs.com and craigslist.
The early submissions at simplyfired, which was launched Monday, includes a posting from Mark Jen, who was fired from Google Inc. (GOOG) earlier this year for discussing the highly secretive company on his Web log.
Virtually all the other postings have been made under pseudonyms. The musings include stories about being fired for doing perverse things with prosthetics, refusing to cook the company books and neglecting to sign a holiday card for the boss.
Aug 3, 2005
By The Associated Press
SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Getting fired is rarely a happy event, but that doesn't mean you can't have a sense of humor about it. That's what Simply Hired, a 5-month-old employment-related Internet startup, counted on when it started an affiliated Web site devoted to the stories of workers who have received a pink slip for a silly, outrageous or embarrassing reason.
The Mountain View-based company is even offering a prize to the biggest "loser" - a Caribbean cruise that will include passengers famously fired by Donald Trump on his popular television show, "The Apprentice."
The contest will be judged by a panel that includes Phil Kaplan, an irreverent entrepreneur who learned a thing or two about sad-sack stories while running a Web site about the foibles of failing Internet companies during the dot-com bust.
Kaplan's old site, which had a profane name, helped inspire simplyfired.com, said Kay Luo, marketing manager for Simply Hired, whose specialty search engine scours for job listing posted on help-wanted sites such as Monster.com, HotJobs.com and craigslist.
The early submissions at simplyfired, which was launched Monday, includes a posting from Mark Jen, who was fired from Google Inc. (GOOG) earlier this year for discussing the highly secretive company on his Web log.
Virtually all the other postings have been made under pseudonyms. The musings include stories about being fired for doing perverse things with prosthetics, refusing to cook the company books and neglecting to sign a holiday card for the boss.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The Good Wife's Guide -- 1955
Oh boy! Am I gonna get it on this one -- from an article in the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly for women. Click on the title picture below to see the entire article:
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
From Reuters: Eleven holes-in-one in a single round...
Eleven holes-in-one in a single round...
Aug 2, 2005
SEOUL (Reuters) - North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-il never forgets a phone number, a cadre's career or a line of computer code.
According to an article posted Tuesday on a Web site run by North Korea, Kim wakes up early every day for intensive memory training where he sits down and commits to his keen mind items such as the phone numbers of workers in his Stalinist state.
"I remember all computer codes and telephones that workers are using now," Kim was quoted as saying on the Web Site "Uri-Min-jok-kiri" (www.uriminzokkiri.dprkorea.com), or "Among our People."
Kim surprised a group of North Korean officials attending a meeting in 2002 by recalling all their phone numbers "with lightning speed," the site said.
On a day Kim visited a cemetery, he looked around at the tombs and he remembered the achievements, characteristics, tastes and bereaved family members for hundreds of the dead by a quick glance at the names on tombstones, it said.
"All the attendants were surprised at his incredible memory," the site says.
North Korean propaganda is ripe with the amazing achievements of its Dear Leader. The highly controlled state also closely monitors its citizens to make sure they do not speak out against Kim or challenge his rule.
Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.
The Web Site said Kim told all workers they should develop their ability to memorize. "The memory of a person gets better when a person uses their brain often," he was quoted as saying.
Aug 2, 2005
SEOUL (Reuters) - North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-il never forgets a phone number, a cadre's career or a line of computer code.
According to an article posted Tuesday on a Web site run by North Korea, Kim wakes up early every day for intensive memory training where he sits down and commits to his keen mind items such as the phone numbers of workers in his Stalinist state.
"I remember all computer codes and telephones that workers are using now," Kim was quoted as saying on the Web Site "Uri-Min-jok-kiri" (www.uriminzokkiri.dprkorea.com), or "Among our People."
Kim surprised a group of North Korean officials attending a meeting in 2002 by recalling all their phone numbers "with lightning speed," the site said.
On a day Kim visited a cemetery, he looked around at the tombs and he remembered the achievements, characteristics, tastes and bereaved family members for hundreds of the dead by a quick glance at the names on tombstones, it said.
"All the attendants were surprised at his incredible memory," the site says.
North Korean propaganda is ripe with the amazing achievements of its Dear Leader. The highly controlled state also closely monitors its citizens to make sure they do not speak out against Kim or challenge his rule.
Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.
The Web Site said Kim told all workers they should develop their ability to memorize. "The memory of a person gets better when a person uses their brain often," he was quoted as saying.
Beer is Good for You...
Repeat after me (hic): Beer is good for you... (hic) Beer is good for you...
Monday, August 01, 2005
Are You "Overweight"?
President Bush just underwent his annual physical exam at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center and his doctors declared that he was in 'superior physical condition' for his age range. He's even being declared the most physically fit President on record. Yet, if you calculated his BMI (Body Mass Index) using current government standards -- he's 5' - 11" and 191.6 pounds -- he'd be classified as overweight! Such are the new standards that have been tweaked (often with the "help" of pharmaceutical companies) to lower the standards for prescribing their magical new medications to "fix your problems." The trend to get people to take lifelong drugs to "maintain their health" is disturbing. Are you "overweight"? Check out this BMI calculator to see where you fit.
The AntiWar Movement gets Set Back 50 Years!
Only in Berserkely California -- aging hippies (REALLY aging hippies) -- promote the old Make Love Not War agenda. If you can't convince people to stop war the old way, why not try something new? NOT!!!
Yuck -- What Did I Just Kill?
If you've ever wondered what the heck you just squashed under that rolled-up newspaper? Well, there's now an insect site that you can send a picture (or simply refer to) to check out that weird-looking endangered species you just whacked. I can't believe some of these are actually insects!
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