Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was in the checkout line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had - an elephant? So since I like to stir the pot, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds.
(I have to mention here that by now practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of us.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.