Paris Hilton -- Cheap!

Ha ha! We already know Paris Hilton is a cheap date. But accornding to Hollywood smut-rag, TMZ, a local moving company moved some of her things into a storage unit and then proptly forgot about it. Including the monthly storage bill! And we all know what happens when you forget to pay your storage bill (well, maybe Paris doesn't!). So the owners put her stuff up for a blind auction and sold the entire lot for an undisclosed amount to cover the rental fees. Included are some of her personal journals, costume jewelry and other assorted crap. Some of the stuff has already started making it on to eBay.

Penn and Teller's Proposal for the Twin Towers

Illusionists Penn and Teller chime in on their thinking process that led them to the concept they like most for the new Twin Towers in New York. As also posted on YouTube HERE.

Checkout Line Conversations

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me tried striking up a conversation and asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Stuttering Kitten

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.

The teacher -- knowing how precious some of these stories could become -- asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say, 'Fuck,' the Rottweiler ate him!"

Some Great Old Sayings

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness . But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan


I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

Why I Still Love the Internet (er Web 2.0...)

A couple of weeks ago, the side mirror on my black Windstar van got demolished. Those suckers can run as high as $350 by the time you add up the price of the part from a Ford dealer and the cost to install it. But that night, I went on eBay and did a search for 2001 Windstar Mirror and voilá! A brand new motorized passenger side mirror for that make and model and year! Big bonus: It's black! All for $34.95 plus shipping. (I have no idea how this guy makes money other than on the shipping and handling fees but more power to him!)
















The mirror arrived a few days later in a well-packed box. But a typical garage would still charge me for at least an hour of labor to install this baby. So back online again to do a Google search: "install 2001 windstar mirror." Here's what came up:
























Once I found the correct instructions, it was simply a matter of having just a couple of hex wrenches that fit the bolts holding in the door panel (3 of them) and then removing the inner panel and uncoupling the old mirror (3 more bolts and a clip).. Once I made sure that the mirror actually worked, I re-installed the inside door panel like I knew what I was doing. Time elapsed: 25 minutes! All without having to leave home. And THAT is why I still love the Internet.

What's your favorite recent story of how the Internet affects your daily life?

Internet Explorer 7 but...

The new Microsoft IE7 is coming but YIKES! It looks like IE7.com has been taken by Firefox!

Geeks Gone Wild: Part 31

No end in sight as to what means geeks -- er, engineers -- will go to make something "better." Check out the other pictures on his blog here.

Heat Wave and Thongs

Whew! A lot of us have been enduring a big heat wave in many parts of the country. What goes great with a heat wave? Thongs! A light-hearted Flash animation.

Microsoft Feature Creep

In their typical fashion, Microsoft always tends to allow the engineers to run wild, even when it comes to product design and branding. But to their credit, they recently poked fun at themselves with a short clip that shows how they would re-package and promote the iPod. It'll be interesting to see how their real effort at creating an "iPod Killer" turns out later this year! As posted on YouTube here.

For the Environmentalist Who has Everything

"Stop wasting water!" "Don't forget to wash your hands!" You've heard your Mom tell you that a thousand times. So the folks over at enviro consumer products company, Gaiam, are now offering a toilet with a built-in sink so you can wash your hands while you're still at the toilet. Don't worry: They say it's clean water from inside the tank and not from the bowl...

"And don't forget to flush!"

Cheap-Ass Digital Camera

I've often wanted a VERY cheap digital camera to carry around for those spur-of-the-moment shots that come up. A no-features, no-frills, point-and-shoot camera probaly with low-resolution for web-postable shots. Well, this week, WalGreens Pharmacies has the Innovage Mini Digital Camera on sale for $10! This thing's tiny and can attach to your keychain (geeks only!). Again, admittedly it's not a Sony or a Nikon but in an emergency, it'll do. And for 10 bucks, what the heck! Comes complete with software CD, AAA battery and USB cable for connecting to your PC.

History of Illegal Immigration for Dummies

Just kidding. But this animation, Glenn Beck's History of Illegal Immigration, on YouTube, is a surprisingly well-done but light-hearted overview of illegal immigration in America.

Hot or Not... Iowa Style

Ha ha -- Dave Burge hosts a Hot-or-Not style vote on the top women's mugshot from Iowa rap sheets. Check out the choices on his blog here. Contest closed on July 7th and Jesika -- pictured her with a SMILE! -- was the winner.

Moving Back to Toronto for a While

Re-Play That World Cup Head Butt

The latest online video game: French Soccer "Star" Zidane's infamous head butt over and over and over and... I hope this gets immortalized as the single-most remembered play of his entire career. French Asshole! They call it felony assault in real life and they generally tend to put people like this in jail for doing it.

More 7 Eleven

Carlos Mencia from his Mind of Mencia Show doing a different take on those poor Indian clerks who put up with crap from customers all day, every day. White trash, black trash and just about everyone else who shops at 7 Eleven. Joe Biden, this one's for you! On YouTube.

Understanding Engineers in Eight Easy Lessons

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer asked the greens keeper "What's wrong with that group ahead
of us?"

The greens keeper replied "That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.

"Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool."

Every Store Needs One of These Signs

FREE Slurpees® at 7 Eleven on 7-11!

It's 7 Eleven's 79th Birthday on July 11th so they're giving away FREE Slurpees® all day long. Stop in for a cool one.

Time to Toss Some Paint

Some nice Flash codework and web page design that should bring out the artist in just about anyone!

Find your inner Jackson Pollock at JacksonPollock.org and create your very own 20th Century masterpiece.

Bush on Global Warming as Done by Will Ferrell

From a past episode on Saturday Night Live. Proving once again that most of the latest from SNL is crap except for the stuff from the old-timers.

Etch-A-Sketch Art

Here's another guy who's either insanely brilliant or he has way too much time on his hands. I've done some slightly detailed drawings as a kid on an Etch-A-Sketch but George Vlosich III takes the cake hands down for the most incredibly drawn artwork I've ever seen on one of those things! Some of the drawings take as much as 50 hours to complete. Check out the site here.

George W. Does U2

U2's Sunday Bloody Sunday as re-mixed by ThePartyParty.com and posted on YouTube.

Talking Pug... on Montel!

If you like animal videos, you'll enjoy this one from a past episode of Montel. (Windows Media wmv file -- approx. 4.8 Mb).

How Unions Work

A dedicated teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes, sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," answered the Madam.

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive Brunette .

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 93-year old woman in the corner with her walker, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

NOT eBay!

Ever wonder what happens to all those pieces of unclaimed luggage from the airlines? There really is an Unclaimed Baggage warehouse and store located in Scottsboro, Alabama. Yes, a store! And they even have a play area for your kids and a store that serves Starbucks coffee! The company was started in 1970 to handle the growing problem of what to do with unclaimed luggage and the expanded center was built in 1995. It's now become a shopping destination.

Read through some of their pages and you'll realize the kinds of unclaimed property people manage to forget about for one reason or another: emerald rings, designer clothing, souvenirs from every corner of the globe, along with some very unusual one-of-a-kind items. They posted a sample receipt of one visitor's purchases: