To Help You Stay Awake During Meetings or CLASS

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, conference call or class, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns, five across and five down. That will give you 25 one inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

• synergy
• strategic fit
• core competencies
• best practice
• bottom line
• revisit
• take that off-line
• 24/7
• out of the loop
• benchmark
• value-added
• pro-active
• win-win
• think outside the box
• fast track
• result-driven
• empower (or empowerment)
• knowledge base
• at the end of the day
• touch base
• mind-set
• client focus(ed)
• paradigm
• game plan
• leverage

and last but not least

• MOVING FORWARD...

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout, "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "BullShit Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." -- Paul D., Caloundra

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -- David D., Rockhampton

"The atmosphere was tense! in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." -- Ben G., Sydney

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." -- Dr. Thomas, Rhiner

The ULTIMATE Music Mashup

Hey hip-hop ain't got nothing on this one! R. Luke duBois has taken a sound clip from each of the Billboard Annual Top 100 Songs since 1958 and plays it for one second for each week it was Number One on the charts that year. Apparently, it took him a few years to develop and refine his process. The entire piece takes 37 minutes to play and the video screen at the top actually tells you which song is currently playing. Insane! I don't think I recognized a single clip! Anyway, here's the link to R. Luke DuBois' Billboard piece. (Do give it a minute or two to load, even on broadband!)

Boing Boing: How to break Silly Putty

Remember Silly Putty? And how you could snap it into pieces if you yanked it quickly enough? Well, a Google employee lumped 250 lbs of it together and then tried to break it into pieces (unsuccessfully). Here's a scientific approach on Boing Boing on how to break Silly Putty. Boing Boing: How to break Silly Putty

How to Fold a T-shirt

After all my years in the t-shirt business, I thought I'd learn everything there was to know about printing and folding them. But here's a really novel and cool new way to fold a t-shirt perfectly (complete with video and background music!).

Other Great Uses for TiVo

Ha ha -- This is rich. A bunch of college buddies decide on a creative use for their TiVo to play a prank on one of them. As presented on Google video. Very original.

Tired of Paying $1.50 for 4-1-1 on Your Cell Phone?

Pass this on to everyone you know who has a cell phone!

Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 or more for 411 / information calls when they don't have to. When you need to use the 411 / information option, simply dial 1 (800) FREE 411 or 1 (800) 373 3411 without incurring a charge at all except for the minutes required to make the call.

This is information people don't mind receiving so let everyone know. I really tried it and it worked! It even works on a regular land line, so say goodbye to those 75¢ fees from your phone company as well!

Great Idea! Cash pours in for student with $million Web idea

This article just in from Reuters News Service:

LONDON (Reuters) - If you have an envious streak, you probably shouldn't read this.

Because chances are, Alex Tew, a 21-year-old student from a small town in England, is cleverer than you. And he is proving it by earning a cool million dollars in four months on the Internet.

Selling porn? Dealing prescription drugs? Nope. All he sells are pixels, the tiny dots on the screen that appear when you call up his home page.

He had the brainstorm for his million dollar home page, called, logically enough, www.milliondollarhomepage.com, while lying in bed thinking out how he would pay for university.

Read the rest of the article here.

The REAL Story of How the Internet was Started

Actually an oldie but goodie...


As told by old, bearded shepherds with crooked staves who walk up (and climb on) to stone pulpits and to pass their wisdom:

"And, Lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com"

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but smply said, " How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and there was immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth a greedy horsefly taketh to camel dung. These men were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, Lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums so that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of the Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would
work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, " Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.

As abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it later came to be known, "eBay", he said," We need a name that reflects what we are."

and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

And Abraham did shout, "Whoopie!"

"No, YAHOO!," said Dot Com.

...and that is how it all began. See, it wasn't Al Gore after all...

GEEZER TEST! ARE YOU "OLDER THAN DIRT?"

I've been receiving different versions of the Geezer Test over the holidays and found the best version (complete with answers!) on Frank Kaiser's Suddenly Senior site.

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?

a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor, left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs.
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps

5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate-licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of string or twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?

a. A cold
b. VD
c. Cooties

12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?"

a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you "high"
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos

18. "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?"

a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the group who made the song "The Gypsy" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Cooties.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

*Barry Hollander, sharp-eyed reader of Generations and The Senior Connection of Howard County MD, said that he remembers Princess Summerfallwinterspring as a real person. We checked it out and, sure enough, before the puppet, there was a live princess. Here's what John Lockwood at http://www.concentric.net/~Lockwooj/TV.HTM says, "Princess Summerfallwinterspring was portrayed by a young actress and was a lot less offensive than Thunderthud. Sadly, the young woman was killed in an automobile accident during one Doody season and her character was quietly dropped from the show. The following fall, however, they decided to reintroduce the Indian maid. Amid much fanfare and right on the air, in front of the peanut gallery, Buffalo Bob breathlessly introduced the new Princess Summerfallwinterspring! I was excited. Just think, a new Indian Princess and in my lifetime, too. I had heard that she had been killed in car crash, but I did not really understand at that age exactly what that meant. I was more than slightly taken aback when the camera panned across Doodyville and alighted upon - a puppet. "My God! she turned into a puppet!", I thought. To this day, I wonder what they were thinking. Maybe they thought we wouldn't notice. I did. I noticed right away."

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."

**Equally sharp-eyed reader, Rich Hovey, says, "For the record --
The purple ink wasn't exactly ink (more like a carbon paper released from a backing by the strong smelling fluid) and wasn't from a mimeograph machine -- it was from a Ditto machine. The Ditto replaced the black-ink mimeograph for most teacher-produced worksheets during the '50s and '60s I believe. The mimeograph hung in there a while for printing longer runs of material usually to be distributed to all students in the school."

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING

17 — 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 — 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 – 11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer. Redeem yourself by declaring to everyone that the world is going to hell in a handbasket.

How to Install A Wireless Security System Down South

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."

Late Santa Cartoon -- but good!

Not Politically Correct... but true?

"Chief Two Eagles," asked the Bureau of Indian Affairs official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that. "

Homeless Inventor Sends New York Yankees a Bill for Winning World Series

OK Check this out -- true news story. A homeless guys claims he invented some cooling pipe that you wear around your neck to stay cool (doesn't Sharper Image have one of those things?) and that it helped the New York Yankees to break their 15-year losing streak and clinch the World Series in 1996 over the Atlanta Braves. He wants $1.5 million plus another $1 million to help him start the business. Nice money if you can get it, right? Here's the article from the New York Daily News.

Finding the Lowest Gas Prices in Your Neighborhood

A lot of new maps have popped up that allow you to punch in your zip code and find the cheapest gas in your area. Here's one that covers the United States and Canada. And here's Microsoft's own gas price tracker.

Christmas Carols for Psychological Disorders

Schizophrenia: "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Multiple personality disorder: "We Three Queens Disoriented Are"

Dementia: "I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas"

Narcissistic: "Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me"

Manic: "Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants"

Paranoid: "Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me"

Personality disorder: "You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You"

Obsessive-compulsive disorder: "Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock." (Better start again.)

Passive-aggressive personality: "On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and Then Took It All Away)"

Borderline personality disorder: "Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire"

Pictures of the Year from Reuters News Service

At the end of each year, Reuters News Service goes through their past year of news photos and selects their Best of the Best. Some great pieces that remind us of all things 2005 -- good and bad.

Commercial of the Week from Princess Cruises

Have you ever been stuck like this on an airplane flight? (Windows WMV file approx. 2.6 Mb)

More Odd Facts

• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
• No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
• Almonds are members of the peach family.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
• There are only four words in the English language which end in"-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
• Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
• Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
• The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life".
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
• The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

Differences between Men and Women con'd

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

A Christmas Carol from Penguin Books

This holiday season, Penguin Books has found a clever way to promote the new MP3 Podcasts of their vast book collection. They've decided to post Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol for free download in six parts from now until Christmas. I think they're planning on deleting it some time right after the holidays so you may want to download them all as soon as they come up; they just put up the last piece -- Part 5 -- tonight. A nice Christmas goodie from Penguin!

Like Cats?

Found a site made for Christmas -- WITH cats!

Pool Hall Surprise

Once in a while a cute kid video comes along that's worth a few chuckles and is well-worth the bandwidth to host and post.

How to Avoid a Police Beating over the Holidays

While I don't always like him, Chris Rock says this best! Some good advice for the holidays!

Back Up and Running

Well, after a couple of months of some serious craziness, I've decided to start my blogging all over again. But rather than hooking back into my old blogs I decided it might be better to create a couple of new ones with a completely different look. I may re-post some of my older stuff later but for now, I'll be posting more of the best (or stupidest) stuff to hit my Inbox every day.