Saturday, July 30, 2005
World's Smallest Political Quiz!
For real! This VERY short quiz will surprise you with its results. More people may find themselves as Centrists rather than as liberals or conservatives. (God forbid!)
Friday, July 29, 2005
The New Car
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So for her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
If you want to send a get-well card, he is in Room 202 of the local hospital.
"Look !" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So for her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
If you want to send a get-well card, he is in Room 202 of the local hospital.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Clearing Customs
They're pretty tough these days when it comes to checking your passport photo at international airports. (I think this is Greece or is it Italy?) (Windows Media File WMV approx. 1.25 Mb)
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
SOCIAL TIPS FOR REDNECKS
In General...
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.
Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
Redneck Roller Coaster
Ha Ha -- another in the Redneck series. This one's a Windows Media Video (approx. 481K) and fun to watch.
Monday, July 25, 2005
The Coke Can Tux
Something geeky but cool for the high school prom: a tuxedo made entirely of Coke cans. Check out the entire set of pics that document his project -- hope he got graded for it!
YES! Russia’s Biggest Spammer Brutally Murdered in Apartment
"Vardan Kushnir, notorious for sending spam to each and every citizen of Russia who appeared to have an e-mail, was found dead in his Moscow apartment on Sunday, Interfax reported Monday. He died after suffering repeated blows to the head."
Read the rest of the article here.
Read the rest of the article here.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Wish MY Car Could Do This!
This one makes the cut for Commercial of the Week. Cool Mazda 3 commercial from Germany for their new sports car.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Dumbass of the Week
Every time you think you've seen it all, someone manages to drop the bar even lower on stupidity. This guy attempted to go into a local Dollar Store to buy more spray paint for his huffing habit. Of course, the owners called the cops and his mug shot and arrest papers end up on The Smoking Gun. I'd heard about people sniffing spray paint and thought it might have been nothing but an urban legend. Go Warriors!
National Sex Offender Public Resgistry
It's about time! The government finally put up a Sex Offender Public Registry and so far, 22 state have opted to join. I see that Washington State isn't on it yet and I plan on writing my Congressmen and Senators to make sure we get on the list. Is it me or simply the heavy media coverage? Seems like the number of sex offenders walking around freely has gone sky high in recent decades. I'm convinced that there's little we can do about and for these people and keeping them locked up somewhere is probably the safest thing for them and for society. Especially our children.
Now THIS is Flash Programming!
Use your mouse to control the mannequin (er -- I THINK it's a mannequin!). It's like being a puppeteer.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Worstest Album Covers Ever III: Worst Album Covers Ever Returns!
I think the guys over at stone have put a lot of work into finding the absolute rock-bottom worst album covers of all time (Part III) so you don't have to! Where you're looking over these beauties, you might also want to take a look at their earlier selections in Worst Covers I & Worst Covers II.
Even More Men vs. Women
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" the clerk asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet she noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the clerk asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she."
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
"Cash, check or charge?" the clerk asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet she noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the clerk asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she."
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Street Wines
It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it! The guys over at BumWines have created a simple review site of their favorite steet wines. I remember we used to refer to them as "Buck Five Come Alive" varieties when I was a teenager. Guess the prices haven't gone up much since then...
From Nikki's Trip
Many of you already know that my daughter just got back from a two-week vacation in Vietnam and Thailand. What trip would be complete without its funny pictures? Nikki and her boyfriend were amused by this sign posted on their hotel room door. You can make out most of the typed notices but hand-written at the bottom are a couple of real gems:
7. Please calm light if you leave room.
And Nikki's (and mine) personal favorite:
8. Please endure the bathroom smell without complaint.
See what you're missing when you stay at the Hyatt?
7. Please calm light if you leave room.
And Nikki's (and mine) personal favorite:
8. Please endure the bathroom smell without complaint.
See what you're missing when you stay at the Hyatt?
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
You Know You've Been Married Too Long When...
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your pajamas?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the heck were you doing then?"
The husband replies, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
Doctors say his vision will return just as soon as the swelling in his eyes goes down.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your pajamas?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."
The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the heck were you doing then?"
The husband replies, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
Doctors say his vision will return just as soon as the swelling in his eyes goes down.
FREE Redneck Grill!
It's the real deal. If you need a new grill, this is a real bargain. A stainless steel grill, for FREE! You read it right -- absolutely FREE ! Now available in all stores while supplies last:
Quirky Site of the Week
The title of the site says it all: Jesus of the Week. check it out and see for yourself!
What NOT to Wear...
Remember your Mom used to tell you to always have fresh underwear on when you went out or travelled? You never know when you might get in an accident and they had to take you to the hospital (or horror of horrors -- you're unconscious!).
Well, The Smoking Gun found this mugshot of a guy who got busted for DUI. Proof positive you have to be careful what you wear when you go out -- sorry, Mom!
Well, The Smoking Gun found this mugshot of a guy who got busted for DUI. Proof positive you have to be careful what you wear when you go out -- sorry, Mom!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
