Did you know that it's illegal simply to carry a prohibited item -- even unintentionally -- to a boarding gate at the airport? I didn't. I've had needle nose pliers and nail clippers taken away from me at the gate a few times, all without much fuss on my end or theirs. But technically, they can actually bust you just for showing up with those little items. So what's on the list? Well, after a bit of searching, I found the most current Permitted & Prohibited List from the TSA (April 2005). Download it here... and DON'T carry it again! (You'll need Adobe Reader to view and print it.)
Surprisingly, you can now carry a disposable safety razor in your carry-on bag but cigarette lighters are apparently now banned.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
Romance Novel Covers We'll Never See
Mark Longmire has a terrific humor site where he recently posted a whole batch of Romance Novel covers that will never see a bookstand! Then a lot of his fans sent in even more of them. Great stuff!
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Anal Glaucoma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she's not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
Commercial of the Week
This one takes the prize for the best commercial of the week. Too bad it's not real but it IS funny. I love it...
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Middle East Security
Unbelievable
Q) You're in the Middle East, you're a police officer and you find a suspicious abandoned briefcase. You might think it's a bomb. What should you do?
A) Clear the area and call the bomb squad?
Or
B) Open it yourself without any protective equipment while being assisted by other police equally unprotected and allow bystanders to look over your shoulder and crowd around?
What did this police officer do?
Q) You're in the Middle East, you're a police officer and you find a suspicious abandoned briefcase. You might think it's a bomb. What should you do?
A) Clear the area and call the bomb squad?
Or
B) Open it yourself without any protective equipment while being assisted by other police equally unprotected and allow bystanders to look over your shoulder and crowd around?
What did this police officer do?
Monday, May 23, 2005
Shakespearean Insults
If you're short of words in a battle of wits, then the Shakespeare insult page is just what you need!
Some Old Bob Hope Quips
I've gotten these oldies attributed to the timeless wit of the late Bob Hope. Thought I'd post these up here again for those of you who haven't enjoyed these yet:
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Just How Old is Mamie van Doren?
Mamie van Doren has hobnobbed with the best of them, from Howard Hughes to Hugh Hefner to... She's somewhere in her seventies and still looks like she's having a good time. (Actually, rumor has it she was born in 1931!)
If ever the idea of doing a deal with the devil ever applied, Mamie must have cut one helluva deal! We should all be so lucky.
If ever the idea of doing a deal with the devil ever applied, Mamie must have cut one helluva deal! We should all be so lucky.
TIME Magazine's Complete List of 100 Greatest Films
Well, agree with them or not, any time someone creates a 100 List you get an opportunity to discuss -- or argue -- about the choices. This list contains more comtemporary films such as "Pulp Fiction" and "Aguirre: The Wrath of God" but missing are such classics as "North by Northwest" and "Apocalypse Now." But a great resource nonetheless.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Commercial of the Week
This one's gotta be the commercial of the week! Silly and mainly appeals to us guys but still funny nonetheless!
Poorly Chosen Logo of the Month
Having been in and out of graphic design and advertising for years, I appreciate a good logo when I see one. But every once in a while a really BAD one comes along that you just have to show everyone. Kantor.com picked this one and I'd have to agree; doesn't take a whole lot of looking to realize what they'd done!
Friday, May 20, 2005
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Office Antics on a Friday
Two guys are in an office, the first turns to the second and says "I've got to get out of here, this place is doing my head in -- I'm going to take the day off."
The second guy turns to him and says "Well, how are going to do that?"
"Watch." And with that, he climbs a ladder. In a little while, their boss walks through the office and spots the ladder with one of his employees at the top of it.
He asks him why he's up there and the employee tells him he's a light-bulb. The boss tells him to get back to work and the employee says "I can't. I'm a light-bulb!" So the boss tells him to go home and get some rest and maybe go see the doctor.
As the employee leaves, his colleague joins him and the boss asks him where he's going. He turns around and says, "Well, I can't be expected to work in the dark, can I?!!"
Why a Dress Code Might Help Our Kids in School
Any of you remember the old days when they had dress codes in school? I went to a high school where the guys had to wear ties and even socks were mandatory for the guys. Girls didn't wear slacks and no one was allowed to wear jeans. Here's to the return of some basic dress codes.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
PC Magazine's Top 100 Sites
Every year, PC Magazine compiles its list of Top 100 Websites. Whether you agree or disagree with their choices, the list always makes for great reading and a good place to start when looking for fresh stuff online. They've even included a couple of new categories you never might have thought of.
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