Post Your Secrets Here

Have a deep, dark secret that you've never told anyone? There's a blog site that you can mail a postcard to and they'll post it up if they deem it worthy as a secret.

Birth of a Hummingbird

A really cool site -- be sure to click through each of the five pages of pics (use the NEXT link at the bottom of each page). From the lady's comments, it took 3+ weeks before the chick was ready to leave the nest. We're blessed with a few hummingbirds zipping around our back yard and we love seeing 'em.

Wedding Accessory for the Easily Upset Woman!

American Film Institute's Top 100 memorable movie quotes

The American Film Institute's list of top 100 quotes from U.S. movies, with film title and year of release:

1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," "Gone with the Wind," 1939.

2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," "The Godfather," 1972.

3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am," "On the Waterfront," 1954.

4. "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

5. "Here's looking at you, kid," "Casablanca," 1942.

6. "Go ahead, make my day," "Sudden Impact," 1983.

7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," "Sunset Boulevard," 1950.

8. "May the Force be with you," "Star Wars," 1977.

9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night," "All About Eve," 1950.

10. "You talkin' to me?" "Taxi Driver," 1976.

11. "What we have here is failure to communicate," "Cool Hand Luke," 1967.

12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," "Apocalypse Now," 1979.

13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry," "Love Story," 1970.

14. "The stuff that dreams are made of," "The Maltese Falcon," 1941.

15. "E.T. phone home," "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial," 1982.

16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" "In the Heat of the Night," 1967.

17. "Rosebud," "Citizen Kane," 1941.

18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!", "White Heat," 1949.

19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" "Network," 1976.

20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," "Casablanca," 1942.

21. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," "The Silence of the Lambs," 1991.

22. "Bond. James Bond," "Dr. No," 1962.

23. "There's no place like home," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

24. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small," "Sunset Boulevard," 1950.

25. "Show me the money!" "Jerry Maguire," 1996.

26. "Why don't you come up sometime and see me?" "She Done Him Wrong," 1933.

27. "I'm walking here! I'm walking here!" "Midnight Cowboy," 1969.

28. "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By,' " "Casablanca," 1942.

29. "You can't handle the truth!" "A Few Good Men," 1992.

30. "I want to be alone," "Grand Hotel," 1932.

31. "After all, tomorrow is another day," "Gone With the Wind," 1939.

32. "Round up the usual suspects," "Casablanca," 1942.

33. "I'll have what she's having," "When Harry Met Sally," 1989.

34. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow," "To Have and Have Not," 1944.

35. "You're gonna need a bigger boat," "Jaws," 1975.

36. "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!" "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre," 1948.

37. "I'll be back," "The Terminator," 1984.

38. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth," "The Pride of the Yankees," 1942.

39. "If you build it, he will come," "Field of Dreams," 1989.

40. "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get," "Forrest Gump," 1994.

41. "We rob banks," "Bonnie and Clyde," 1967.

42. "Plastics," "The Graduate," 1967.

43. "We'll always have Paris," "Casablanca," 1942.

44. "I see dead people," "The Sixth Sense," 1999.

45. "Stella! Hey, Stella!" "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.

46. "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars," "Now, Voyager," 1942.

47. "Shane. Shane. Come back!" "Shane," 1953.

48. "Well, nobody's perfect," "Some Like It Hot," 1959.

49. "It's alive! It's alive!", "Frankenstein," 1931.

50. "Houston, we have a problem," "Apollo 13," 1995.

51. "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?", "Dirty Harry," 1971.

52. "You had me at 'hello,' " "Jerry Maguire," 1996.

53. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know," "Animal Crackers," 1930.

54. "There's no crying in baseball!" "A League of Their Own," 1992.

55. "La-dee-da, la-dee-da," "Annie Hall," 1977.

56. "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Psycho," 1960.

57. "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good," "Wall Street," 1987.

58. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer," "The Godfather Part II," 1974.

59. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again," "Gone With the Wind."

60. "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!", "Sons of the Desert," 1933.

61. "Say 'hello' to my little friend!" "Scarface," 1983.

62. "What a dump," "Beyond the Forest," 1949.

63. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?" "The Graduate," 1967.

64. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" "Dr. Strangelove," 1964.

65. "Elementary, my dear Watson," "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes," 1929.

66. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape," "Planet of the Apes," 1968.

67. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine," "Casablanca."

68. "Here's Johnny!" "The Shining," 1980.

69. "They're here!" "Poltergeist," 1982.

70. "Is it safe?", "Marathon Man," 1976.

71. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!" "The Jazz Singer," 1927.

72. "No wire hangers, ever!" "Mommie Dearest," 1981.

73. "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?", "Little Caesar," 1930.

74. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown," "Chinatown," 1974.

75. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," "A Streetcar Named Desire."

76. "Hasta la vista, baby," "Terminator 2: Judgment Day," 1991.

77. "Soylent Green is people!" "Soylent Green," 1973.

78. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL," "2001: A Space Odyssey," 1968.

79. Striker: "Surely you can't be serious." Rumack: "I am serious . . . and don't call me Shirley," "Airplane!" 1980.

80. "Yo, Adrian!" "Rocky," 1976.

81. "Hello, gorgeous," "Funny Girl," 1968.

82. "Toga! Toga!", "National Lampoon's Animal House," 1978.

83. "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make," "Dracula," 1931.

84. "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast," "King Kong," 1933.

85. "My precious," "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers," 2002.

86. "Attica! Attica!", "Dog Day Afternoon," 1975.

87. "Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!" "42nd Street," 1933.

88. "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!" "On Golden Pond," 1981.

89. "Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper," "Knute Rockne, All American," 1940.

90. "A martini. Shaken, not stirred," "Goldfinger," 1964.

91. "Who's on first?" "The Naughty Nineties," 1945.

92. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac . . . it's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!" "Caddyshack," 1980.

93. "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" "Auntie Mame," 1958.

94. "I feel the need - the need for speed!" "Top Gun," 1986.

95. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary," "Dead Poets Society," 1989.

96. "Snap out of it!", "Moonstruck," 1987.

97. "My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you," "Yankee Doodle Dandy," 1942.

98. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," "Dirty Dancing," 1987.

99. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!" "The Wizard of Oz."

100. "I'm king of the world!" "Titanic," 1997.

Some Costumes are Just WRONG!

Well, I debated posting these God-awful costumes a friend sent to me. In the end, I decided 'What the Hell' -- these should serve as a good warning on what NOT to wear for Hallowe'en (or just about any time a costume is called for). Please -- if you look like this and are thinking of what to wear for that next costume party, THINK AGAIN!

Wonder Woman off her Atkins Diet!


Retired Hooters Girls on parade:


Old Elvis:


Sheep farmer:


And the nastiest of the bunch, a bad example of wasted body painting:

Netiquette

As more and more people go online (yes, there are still people just beginning to stick their toes in the water now), I've often thought about a way to pass on some basic tips and courtesies that are really nothing more than common sense. You know: typing ALL IN CAPS LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING AT THE PERSON YOU"RE WRITING TO or passing along an e-mail joke to everyone on your address list without using the BCC: option so everyone in the entire chain of e-mails can see your entire address book. Or worse. Well, the good folks at NetManners created a great site and an e-mail newsletter that addresses many of the issues. A lot of us old users like to refer to good online manners and protocol as Netiquette.

A Reassuring Message from Your Captain Here

Haven't seen any armed pilots on flights I've taken so far but...

Truth in Advertising

If ads were accurately portrayed on TV, THIS is what the Paris Hilton Carl Jr's ad would look like.

Dog Island Skate Park Now Open

They just opened a skate park just for canines on Dog Island! Be sure to check out the video of the skateboarding bulldog!

More Office Antics

Try explaining this one to the boss after they catch you on the late night security camera!

An Old Seniors Joke

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they're senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple married as childhood sweethearts and moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here..."

Spray on Mud

For all you people out there who drive pristine SUV's around, here's the perfect solution to make your friends think you actually take it out into the wild.

How to Tawk Rite in New Orleans

As a followup to my trip to New Orleans this past March, a friend of mine sent me this link on How to Tawk Rite in New Orleans! Complete with a New Orleans dictionary.

How to Clean Your Rat

Instructions everyone should have. To keep your rat in perfect condition, you need to know how to clean and dry a rhodent properly.

From The Smoking Gun: Crank Calling Bill Clinton!

Jimmy Buffett Phone Fiasco

Bill Clinton gets crank-called by finder of singer's lost cell

JUNE 8--A Florida busboy who found singer Jimmy Buffett's cell phone--and then proceeded to keep it for a week--told cops that his buddies may have crank-called former President Bill Clinton, whose number was stored in the phone's directory. According to the below Lake Worth Police Department report, Jason Martin, 22, found Buffett's phone outside a Cuban jazz club where the singer partied in late May. According to an amusing story in today's Palm Beach Post, Martin and his cronies scrolled through the phone's address book (while they were "smoking weed") and marveled at the high caliber of Buffett's address book, which included ex-presidents Clinton and Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, Bill Gates, Harrison Ford, George Clooney, and musicians from rapper Cam'ron to country singer Alan Jackson. After rejecting Buffett entreaties (and a $200 reward) for the phone's return, Martin finally surrendered the item after cops and Secret Service agents showed up at his home Saturday. As a reward for his telephone intransigence, Martin, who is pictured at right in a mug shot from a 2002 arrest, was fired from his job at the Cuban joint.

The police report can be found at The Smoking Gun.

WNBR -- Coming to Seattle June 11th

And to a neighborhood near you too! The site is so elaborate, I don't think it's a hoax. But I sure don't remember hearing about this last year.

Commercial of the Week: Really Bad Jobs

Definitely the Commercial of the Week.

World's Best: Top 10 Airlines Named

From Money Magazine, the Top 10 List of the Best Airlines in the World. Sadly, as expected, there are absolutely NO American airlines on the list.

Best overall

1. Cathay Pacific, Hong Kong
2. Qantas Airways, Australia
3. Emirates, Dubai
4. Singapore Airlines, Singapore
5. British Airways, United Kingdom
6. Malaysia Airlines, Malaysia
7. Thai Airways, Thailand
8. Qatar Airways, Qatar
9. Asiana Airlines, South Korea
10. ANA All Nippon Airways, Japan

Steve Jobs Dressup Page

You either love him or hate him but man, that Steve Jobs dude has an awesome wardrobe! Dude!!! (And some cool Flash coding here too!)

The Drunk in the Bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Now THIS is a Mural!

Eric Grohe is a mural painter from Marysville WA of all places (his wife, Kathy, is also an artist and often works as the project manager). The guy's work is fantastic and sure beats plain ugly walls or even worse -- nasty billboards! Here's a step-by-step of one mural he completed for a nursing school. Be sure to scroll all the way down to view the indoor murals he painted for Miller Brewing in Milwaukee. Way to go, Eric!

Teaching Math Through the Ages

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me back two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for 100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2005:

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producción es $80.

Closing Arguments in the Jackson Case Today

What they won't show you on CourtTV (or MTV for that matter). See the video here. (2.2 Mb)

The Fabulous Men in Coats

So how come we've never heard of these guys over here?

The REAL Secret for Long Marriage, Guys

I knew it. The REAL secret to a long marriage comes from the mouth of Percy Arrowsmith, who's been married to his wife, Florence, for a record-breaking 80 years! This article comes from the Daily Telegraph in Australia. Incidentally, HER secret was "I like sherry at lunchtime and whisky at night."

Couple's secrets for long marriage

Daily Telegraph

June 1, 2005

A BRITISH couple recognised as having had the world's longest marriage recorded were celebrating their 80th anniversary today, and revealed the secret to wedded bliss as never letting arguments fester.

Or, as 105-year-old Percy Arrowsmith put it more succinctly, the regular use of two words: "Yes, dear."

Mr Arrowsmith and his 100-year-old wife, Florence, were married on June 1, 1925, about the time a little-known politician, Adolf Hitler, was putting the finishing touches to Mein Kampf.

A series of newspapers featured their story today, with Mrs Arrowsmith attributing the success of their union to hard work and never going to bed with an argument unresolved.

"It has not been easy, but worth every minute because he is much more than my best friend: he is the love of my life," she said.

"We don't argue much these days, only when I want to watch the soaps (soap operas) on television, which he hates."

The Arrowsmiths have been certified as record-holders by the Guinness Book of World Records, the reports added, beating a Japanese couple who stayed together for 78 years and 296 days from 1926.

What Can You Carry on to a Plane?

Did you know that it's illegal simply to carry a prohibited item -- even unintentionally -- to a boarding gate at the airport? I didn't. I've had needle nose pliers and nail clippers taken away from me at the gate a few times, all without much fuss on my end or theirs. But technically, they can actually bust you just for showing up with those little items. So what's on the list? Well, after a bit of searching, I found the most current Permitted & Prohibited List from the TSA (April 2005). Download it here... and DON'T carry it again! (You'll need Adobe Reader to view and print it.)

Surprisingly, you can now carry a disposable safety razor in your carry-on bag but cigarette lighters are apparently now banned.

Romance Novel Covers We'll Never See

Mark Longmire has a terrific humor site where he recently posted a whole batch of Romance Novel covers that will never see a bookstand! Then a lot of his fans sent in even more of them. Great stuff!

Why Girls Do Better in Exams

Now the secret can be told!

Anal Glaucoma

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Commercial of the Week

This one takes the prize for the best commercial of the week. Too bad it's not real but it IS funny. I love it...

Middle East Security

Unbelievable

Q) You're in the Middle East, you're a police officer and you find a suspicious abandoned briefcase. You might think it's a bomb. What should you do?

A) Clear the area and call the bomb squad?

Or

B) Open it yourself without any protective equipment while being assisted by other police equally unprotected and allow bystanders to look over your shoulder and crowd around?

What did this police officer do?

Shakespearean Insults

If you're short of words in a battle of wits, then the Shakespeare insult page is just what you need!

Some Old Bob Hope Quips

I've gotten these oldies attributed to the timeless wit of the late Bob Hope. Thought I'd post these up here again for those of you who haven't enjoyed these yet:

Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

How to Clean Your Keyboard

Kids, don't try this at home!

Just How Old is Mamie van Doren?

Mamie van Doren has hobnobbed with the best of them, from Howard Hughes to Hugh Hefner to... She's somewhere in her seventies and still looks like she's having a good time. (Actually, rumor has it she was born in 1931!)

If ever the idea of doing a deal with the devil ever applied, Mamie must have cut one helluva deal! We should all be so lucky.

TIME Magazine's Complete List of 100 Greatest Films

Well, agree with them or not, any time someone creates a 100 List you get an opportunity to discuss -- or argue -- about the choices. This list contains more comtemporary films such as "Pulp Fiction" and "Aguirre: The Wrath of God" but missing are such classics as "North by Northwest" and "Apocalypse Now." But a great resource nonetheless.

Commercial of the Week

This one's gotta be the commercial of the week! Silly and mainly appeals to us guys but still funny nonetheless!

Poorly Chosen Logo of the Month

Having been in and out of graphic design and advertising for years, I appreciate a good logo when I see one. But every once in a while a really BAD one comes along that you just have to show everyone. Kantor.com picked this one and I'd have to agree; doesn't take a whole lot of looking to realize what they'd done!

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.



Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


Rottweiler: Make me.



Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Office Antics on a Friday

Two guys are in an office, the first turns to the second and says "I've got to get out of here, this place is doing my head in -- I'm going to take the day off."

The second guy turns to him and says "Well, how are going to do that?"

"Watch." And with that, he climbs a ladder. In a little while, their boss walks through the office and spots the ladder with one of his employees at the top of it.

He asks him why he's up there and the employee tells him he's a light-bulb. The boss tells him to get back to work and the employee says "I can't. I'm a light-bulb!" So the boss tells him to go home and get some rest and maybe go see the doctor.

As the employee leaves, his colleague joins him and the boss asks him where he's going. He turns around and says, "Well, I can't be expected to work in the dark, can I?!!"

Why a Dress Code Might Help Our Kids in School

Any of you remember the old days when they had dress codes in school? I went to a high school where the guys had to wear ties and even socks were mandatory for the guys. Girls didn't wear slacks and no one was allowed to wear jeans. Here's to the return of some basic dress codes.

The Irish Mental Health Hotline

Please listen carefully as our options have changed.

So there were these two penguins...

going on a plane trip to the park, see?

PC Magazine's Top 100 Sites

Every year, PC Magazine compiles its list of Top 100 Websites. Whether you agree or disagree with their choices, the list always makes for great reading and a good place to start when looking for fresh stuff online. They've even included a couple of new categories you never might have thought of.

TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9) Directions to your Doctor's office include: "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."

5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typographical error.

3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

More Star Wars Stuff on Its Way...

It's NEVER too early for Hallowe'en costumes for your pets! Check out the doggie Darth Vader!

Mind Games Dogs Play With Humans

1. After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Hollywood One Ups Seattle for Parking Meters

For those of you who live and park in Downtown Seattle, you've probably come across our new "parking meters." They put them in the middle of each block and you can use your credit or debit card to pay for your parking (as well as cash, of course). It spits out a little receipt that you just stick inside your side window (sticker included and they even tell you when the meter expires). But West Hollywood just came out with an even cooler meter! You can punch in your pager or cell phone number and you'll get called before the damn meter runs out, saving you a parking ticket! Crazy!

The Coolest Utility for Photoshop Users and Photographers

All I can say is Wow! Autostitch is a program that some programmers developed at the University of British Columbia. You can feed it a whole batch of assorted pictures from a single collection and it turns around and sorts them all out like a jigsaw puzzle, seams them together magically and then manages to blend them into one single amazing image. It's incredibly easy to use but quite sophisticated in its ability to assemble images accurately. Check out the samples and demo on their site.



This composite is from six different shots I took over Lake Union across the street from my studio. Needless to say, you can tell I'm humbled and impressed by these guys! IMHO this program is better than ANYTHING Adobe Photoshop offers and the Beta version is still available as a FREE download right now.

Surviving a Zombie Attack

The final word on how to survive a zombie invasion. What everyone must know!

Free Online Graph Paper / Grid Paper PDFs

I still haven't figured out if this site is an absolute must-have or a complete waste of time and energy. How would you like to have pre-designed graph paper that will pull up in Adobe Acrobat PDF format for printing? Maybe more useful to engineering students?

All Things Star Wars

With the new Star Wars episode coming out shortly, the parodies are coming out of the woodwork left, right and center. This is one of the better ones to come along; and vegetarian too! Worth the wait for the flash to load up.

Rolling Stones Announce New Tour

Mick Jagger and Co. announced their latest tour with a short live concert in New York. How old is Sir Mick now? 62? Anyway, here's a fun takeoff from the promoters of the Australian Red Meat Council. Very cute.

CraigsList Posting of the Day

I love CraigsList. Once in a while, some wiseass posts up a good comeback to an idiotic posting. Here's a Personals listing on CraigsList Seattle and the response she got after. I love the attached sticker! Ha ha!

Politically Minded - 28

---

Reply to: anon-72734075@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-10, 8:59PM PDT


Looking for a smart, sexy guy to play with in Seattle. Please, no Republicans idiots. Send a picture, and I'll reply in kind. Don't worry, I'm very attractive.

• this is in or around Seattle
  
• no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  

72734075

RE...Politically Minded

---

Reply to: anon-72803519@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-11, 9:41AM PDT


This is funny. So much for the “tolerance”. I bet she thinks of herself as an open-minded person and doesn’t see her close-minded attitude.

Not to worry, “idiot” Republicans wouldn’t stoop to someone who says “Don’t worry, I’m attractive”. Yeah, we believe you.

Bet she’s just HOT!

• this is in or around Greater Seattle
  
• no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  

72803519

How to Turn your LPs into MP3s

For those of you vinyl afficianados out there with lots of LPs still in your collections (you know who you are out there!), HP has created one of the most complete tutorial sites on how to convert your LPs into MP3s. I recently bought a brand new Audio Technics AT-PL50 turntable (around $100) that has a preamp built into it; it also has a switch underneath that allows me to switch from analog to digital output. When you plug this turntable into a PC sound card, the digital option allows for crisp and compatible conversion. The cool equipment available today for cheap is staggering.

Peak Oil

Here's a link to a chilling 2-minute flash presentation on the global oil situation. Read it and weep. Then at least think about it...

I'm posting this on my two main blogs and I'd love it if everyone would forward this link to as many people as they know so the message goes out.

The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Louie Louie

Well, they're still at it. Since it first came out, the lyrics to the Kingsmen's Louie Louie have been the subject of a lot of things, including an investigation by J. Edgar's FBI, as well as bans by various schools and communities. But no one seems to really ever get a handle on what those damn lyrics actually say! Anyway, The Smoking Gun ran a new piece on it today and includes coverage on recent attempts to interpret and ban Louie Louie once again 40 years later. (Good luck!)

Commercial of the Week

The things they can do today with computer animation! This is one of the favorites to arrive in my Inbox this week. GE's ad agency deserves kudos for a series of incredibly light and fun new commercials that have turned up recently.

Finding Area 51 Using Google Maps!

Google Maps comes through again!

How to get there:

1. Type 'Rachel, NV' into Google, select Google Maps, go to 'satellite'
   
2. Zoom out three levels until you see several white splotches (salt flats, I presume)
   
3. Double click on the salt flat that's now along the left edge, an inch or two below the Zoom bar
   
4. Zoom back in a few levels

Darth's Blog

Just in time for the opening of the new movie: Darth Vader's blog.

The Mission: Impossible Improv Team

The Improv Everywhere Team is a loose-knit bunch of improv artists who set up some very unusual and generally hilarious scenarios in some pretty strange places. This link details their set up in the McDonald's Restaurant on Broadway next to the production of the Lion King. In this episode, their "agents" quickly turn the McDonald's restroom into a five-star facility complete with attendant and all the trappings. Well worth the read!

Damage to US Airways Window

Wow! Thanks to those diligent folks in maintenance at US Airways, they discovered this crack in the window of one of their planes before any further damage occurred!

Cockeyed.com presents: How Much Is Inside?

Ever wonder how much you're really getting inside all that fancy packaging? Well, wonder no longer!

The Time Traveler Convention - May 7, 2005

Looks like the upcoming Time Traveler Convention for May 7, 2005 is already full. But if you could time travel at will, why would you need an invitation to attend anyway?

Trailer Park Wedding

He has a mullet, his cleanest jeans and a young bride with a loaf in the oven. And, of course, they've got a Rottweiler!

Crazy 5's

From today's Drudge Report: Today at 5:05:05 am & pm the time will be 05:05:05 05/05/005....

05.05.005 comes only once in 1000 years and coinciding with Thursday (5th Day of the week) comes only once in 7000 yrs...

Take the Color Test

The Color Test Try this! It's tougher than you first expect! I promise you you'll take it more than once!

What Friendship Means to Men and Women

Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

How to Start a Fire with a Coke Can and a Chocolate Bar

Something you really have to know in case you're ever stuck in the woods and need to start a fire. With nothing more than an empty Coke can and a chocolate bar, you can get a fire going in short order (but you WILL need sunlight).

VEHICLE PEDESTRIAN ACCIDENT -- Read before viewing!

Hmmmm....maybe red-light cameras aren't such a bad thing! Read the story first then watch the video. In this amazing video taken from a Dayton, Ohio traffic camera, a PT Cruiser blows a red light and then T-bones a Subaru Forester. The Subaru then rolls over a pedestrian who didn't wait for the walk signal. What's even more amazing is that everyone survived the crash, even the pedestrian.

Dayton Police released the dramatic video that shows the SUV landing on top of a pedestrian after a crash. It happened yesterday at West Third and Edwin C. Moses. There are cameras at the intersection to catch red light runners. They show the victim walking in the cross walk when a car and an SUV crashed. The SUV then rolled over the pedestrian. Police say it all started when the driver of a PT Cruiser ran a red light and slammed into the SUV. At least one passer-by witnessed the crash and called 9-1-1. Police say the drivers got away with minor injuries. But the pedestrian, 43-year-old Scott Tegtmeyer was critically injured.

Now prosecutors are taking a close look at the video to determine what charges the driver of the PT Cruiser could face. Investigators say analysis of the video has already revealed some crucial factors. Police say the light had been red for 28 seconds when the PT Cruiser entered the intersection. They say Tegtmeyer should not have been crossing the street at the time because the crosswalk signal was red.

Amazingly, investigators also say that the massive dent left on the side of the SUV, caused by the impact of the crash, created a hollow space that kept Tegtmeyer from being crushed to death as the vehicle rolled over him. Tegtmeyer was listed in serious condition Monday night. So far, no charges have been filed. (His rabbit foot survived too!)

And Now for an Important Message on Backing Up Your Data

John Cleese on why you should back up your data.

Guess the Google Game

So just how good do you REALLY think you are at Google search words? Are you visually-oriented? Try your hand at figuring out the search word used to generate these images.

WARNING TO MEN: Playground Dangers

Dads -- you must be ever so vigilant of the hidden dangers lurking in our modern playgrounds these days! You have been warned!

Small Distractions for the Day

OK, OK -- this might only hold your attention for a few minutes. But maybe a break on Monday morning is just the thing you need. Drop kick members of your punk band, The Faint, into the audience. Best shot? All the way out to the parking lot!

Introducing amaztype from amazon.com

The folks at amazon.com have kicked up the creative folks a notch and given them more freedom just to have some fun! Their latest creation is a new site called amaztype (it's currently in Beta) that's based on their very own home-brewed search metrics. Type in names of books, authors or film directors and you'll see their name spelled out with pictures of their body of work. For example, when I typed in Truman Capote, every Capote book that comes up in amazon's database is used to spell out his name. You can click on each of the video, CD or movie covers to enlarge them and get more information on that item (and -- of course -- buy it from amazon! Slick!). Cool marketing gimmick and hours of distraction for the bored...

Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy

It had to happen! I've been marvelling for years over the ever-expanding amount of knowledge that we can find at any given moment online. Here's a new find for me: The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Comes in handy when you want to tell the difference between Sun Tzu from Lao Tzu..

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the local church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George being a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night.

Johnny Cochran -- R.I.P.

His final word.

Forget Britney Spears: The ORIGINAL Oops! I Did It Again!

Oops! I Did It Again! was originally recorded in April 1932 by Louis Armstrong but went out of circulation not long after. It wasn't until Britney Spears put out her bubblegum version that anyone heard this song again. At long last, Supermasterpiece has released a cleaned up copy from the original wax cylinder recording for your download pleasure. This company specializes in re-mastering old originals. Check their other offerings out!

Creation of the Universe: The Chinese Version

This link was originally sent to me by a freind who pointed out that the second to last frame mentions the origins of stupid people (according to Chinese Mythology). But the animation and story are really well done and simply too good not to pass on. You might also want to check out the section on Chinese Culture.

And Just How Strong ARE Those Concrete Barriers?

How many times have you wondered how strong those cement barriers were that you see in front of military base entrances? Read the forwarded message below and then view the clip...

From time to time someone asks me what the concrete barriers are in front of controlled and secure buildings. When I tell them that the barriers will stop traffic, even trucks, from approaching the secure building usually get a look of disbelief. I've been looking for some footage like this to prove my point. In this test, the following parameters were used. Read them and then watch the film.

Truck = 65,000 lbs.

Speed = 50 mph

Kinetic Energy = 5.5 MILLION ft. lbs.

Stopped in 24 INCHES !!!

Bacon Strip Bandaids

One of my favorite gag and novelty stores anywhere is Archie McPhees right here in Seattle. What started off as a small novelty distributor business years ago now occupies two buildings in the Ballard area of Seattle. They also have a thriving mail order and catalog business so you can order stuff from them 24/7 from anywhere if you really, really can't make it to their store. I even dragged my children's Grandmother there when she came out here to visit at Christmas for some last-minute stocking stuffers (she was impressed!). Anyway, had to post these new must-have Bacon Strip Bandaids -- they're so cool! I'm going to pick some up for the medicine cabinets at home and at the studio right away! And be sure to check out the rubber chickens and the boxing rabbis and nuns while you're at it.

The Computer Shopper Freeware 50

Computer Shopper creates an annual list of their favorite 50 Freeware selections. Games, Utilities, Productivity and more! Check 'em out!

Pimp my shopping cart

A lot of you already know that mTV's Pimp My Ride is one of the few network shows that I love. Here's enGadget's take on the same theme: Pimp My Shopping Cart. These guys just might be on to something here!

The New NEW Food Pyramid

Remember the old Food Pyramid that was introduced years ago? Well, the people in the PR department over at The Dept. of Agriculture have been at it again. But instead of one pyramid, they've now come up with twelve! A dozen! Might as well make it REALLY confusing. This will probably give Mrs. Brown -- the dowdy old Grade 4 Science and Health teacher -- at least two weeks of material to bore her class with!

Airline Food!

Ah yes! Remember the old days of real meals on the airlines? Heck, they even served it with real cutlery on some flights. Well, here's a site that claims to be the first "about nothing but airline food." Seems like most of the best airlines that care about feeding their passengers are over in Asia. Pretty soon, there'll be two kinds of airlines: one that charges appropriately and treats its customers with class and another that gives you a shot of Demerol, packs you in a box and ships you from Point A to Point B for the lowest possible price! Personally, I'd prefer to be awake for the whole flight...

Indigo Arts

Since eBay first began in the mid-90s (man, does that sound like a long time ago!), I've often thought about the possibility of an online marketplace for worldwide craftspeople. You'd browse the widest selection of arts and crafts and in every price range. You'd pick and pay for the items that you liked, receiving your prized work in a short while.

Well, it turns out that Indigo Arts was started in 1986 by a young couple determined to bring folk art to the masses. This labor of love has grown into a wonderful web presence that still has incredible potential for growth. I wouldn't be surprised if eBay (or amazon.com) bought an interest in their company soon. The advantages would be exponentially beneficial! PayPal for seamless international (and guaranteed) payments and a forum to vet out honest Buyers and Sellers. Art to and for the people!

Slashdot Random Story Generator

So-ooo Cool! Those crazy Slashdot inside tech news folks have created their very own Random Story Generator! Keep refreshing the screen and you'll see new, whacky stories generated from title words taken from past stories. An endless source of new news!

Aha -- That Sand Artist!

A lot of you have already written to me about the sand artist at SICAF 2003! Anyway, he's a Hungarian artist named Ferenc Cako and you can get to his website here. He also has more on his sand art at another site here (unfortunately, I think any bandwidth access might crash his host!). This dude ROCKS!!!

Webster's Online Dictionary - The Rosetta Edition

Referred by my friend, Peter:

What do you get when you start with Webster’s classic 1913 unabridged dictionary, and you add updated definitions, thousands of images (one picture being worth a thousand words…), quotes, trade names, references, timelines, translations and any other bit of information that can help someone understand a word from as many perspectives as possible? For any given word, what you get is Webster’s Online Dictionary - the Rosetta EditionTM.

[An extraordinary reference source!]

Wow! I've never heard of this guy before but...

A friend just sent me this video clip of a unique sand artist who performed at SICAF (Seoul International Cartoon & Animation Festival). Apparently from the credit at the end of this video, it was shot in Seoul, Korea in 2003. Maybe you can Google SICAF to find out more about this guy. He's definitely VERY unique and one of the best on-the-fly artists I've seen in a long time. Performance art? This isn't a small file (approx. 19 Mb) so you might just want to stream it instead of downloading to save.

I'm so impressed with this guy that I'm posting him up on both of my personal blogs.

Teachers Do The Funniest Things

A primary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given greenware pottery planters in the shape of a clown, which they painted with glaze. It was great fun. The students planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home... The cactus plants were removed and replaced with small ivy and the children took those home instead.

The teacher said, "Cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!!"

Drink and Get Smarter

Strong Cough Syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks his clerk : "What's with the guy out there by the wall?"

The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner, wide -eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives."

The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can. Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

Smart Engineers or Just Geeks?

From this picture, I might conclude this work was 1) done by guys, 2) they had wa-ay too much time on their hands, 3) they were engineers, 4) this a good use for old CRT monitors.

Campaign for Canadian World Domination!

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. The worldwide headquarters site of the Campaign for Canadian World Domination. Yikes! Do I stay in the States? Do I run back to Canada? Oh the agony of it all!

Casualties of War

This bit of information from a friend in Ohio. While every single casualty of war is hard to take, looking at things with a different perspective can make you think a little more.

According to icasualties.org , there have been 88 hostile fire deaths caused by firearms since the beginning of hostilities in Iraq. The remainder of coalition deaths have been due to explosives or accidents.

What does this mean?

If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in theater during the last 22 months, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

But the rate in the District of Columbia is 80.6 per 100,000.

That means that you are more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq, where just about everybody is armed.

The conclusion?

We should immediately pull out of WASHINGTON, DC!

The Google Wow Factor!

Well, Google has been punching my Wow! button every week or two with all the new features and products they keep bringing out, adding to current products or acquiring. On Monday, they announced that they were adding a Beta version of their satellite imaging feature to Google Maps. They acquired satellite map company, Keyhole, based in Mountain Valley CA, around six months ago. You can type in an address, then click the Satellite button in the upper right corner to get the satellite picture; you can even zoom in with amazing detail. I found our house and my studio in Seattle and you can currently find just about any place in North America. Hey -- print out an image of your Mom and Dad's house and send them a framed copy! Surprise your friends! Spy on your enemies!