Computer Gender

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups; male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender "la computer," because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine "el computer," because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

As usual.... the women won.

Commercial of the Week from Adidas

Makes my back hurt just watching this one! I especially like the slogan on this new Adidas commercial. But you'll have to wait until the end to see it (WHAT?!! You thought I was going to tell you?) It's a 4.5 Mb asx file that should run on Windows Media Player and several others.

Bored in Your Motel Room, Road Warriors?

Those of you who travel a lot know what I mean when I talk about how thrilling it is to go back to the same four walls every night when you're on the road. When you have to live on the road, every joint pretty much starts to look the same. Well, be bored no more! Here's a Scabble game you can print out on a piece of paper and cut out for play. Invite your neighbors, order a pizza and enjoy a game or two!

Spam Stock Tracker

This is hilarious! I've been getting so many spam e-mails touting weenie -- er, penny -- stocks that that I simply decided to add the word "stock" to my spam filter. But just to see how poorly these spam scam stocks would have fared, Rob Brooks-Bilson set up the Spam Stock Tracker. Hmm -- if you had invested $17,000 you would have lost almost $8,000 in short order. Guess the guys selling the stock must have made out with all the IPO profits.

Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they already know there isn't enough money in the account?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag ever opens from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. Why, why, why?

Flinston Tastes Good...

Remember all those nasty old cigarette commercials? And Joe Camel? Well, when the Flintstones first came out in 1960 as the first cartoon series for grown-ups, how could the big tobacco companies resist using the characters for an "endorsement" commercial. Fred and Barnie doing their thing for Winston cigarettes-- as the sexist cavemen that they were -- while Betty and Wilma carry on with the chores! (3.1 Mb QuickTime .mov movie file)

Hallowe'en Costume Ideas are Coming in Already!

Here it is, the first week of october and the Hallowe'en costume ideas are starting to come in already. This one's a terrific team effort and gets my vote so far for Best Costume of 2005!



Wait, wait! Is that Cindy Sheehan on the table?!! That woman will do anything to get in the picture!

Funniest Home Video of the Week

Will You Go Prom with Me? A completely uninhibited homemade video complete with unexpected Grandma and kid brother cameos. I give her a lot of credit for tenacity!

Men's and Women's Instructions for ATM Use

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

How Dodgy Are You? Take the Test

Are you a goodie two-shoes when it comes to toeing the line with the law? Or are you a scofflaw who likes to live dangerously? Although this is a British site, they manage to cite a lot of American examples. When you're finished with their questionnaire, they'll give you a score of just how bad you are and what kind of sentence you deserve for you evil ways! (I had a possible 27 years and $15,000 of fines!)