World's Smallest Political Quiz!

For real! This VERY short quiz will surprise you with its results. More people may find themselves as Centrists rather than as liberals or conservatives. (God forbid!)

The New Car

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So for her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

If you want to send a get-well card, he is in Room 202 of the local hospital.

Clearing Customs

They're pretty tough these days when it comes to checking your passport photo at international airports. (I think this is Greece or is it Italy?) (Windows Media File WMV approx. 1.25 Mb)

SOCIAL TIPS FOR REDNECKS

In General...

1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out

1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

Entertaining in your home

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Personal Hygiene

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings

1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

Redneck Roller Coaster

Ha Ha -- another in the Redneck series. This one's a Windows Media Video (approx. 481K) and fun to watch.

The Coke Can Tux

Something geeky but cool for the high school prom: a tuxedo made entirely of Coke cans. Check out the entire set of pics that document his project -- hope he got graded for it!

YES! Russia’s Biggest Spammer Brutally Murdered in Apartment

"Vardan Kushnir, notorious for sending spam to each and every citizen of Russia who appeared to have an e-mail, was found dead in his Moscow apartment on Sunday, Interfax reported Monday. He died after suffering repeated blows to the head."

Read the rest of the article here.

Idiot of the Year

My vote goes to this guy from July 4th:

Wish MY Car Could Do This!

This one makes the cut for Commercial of the Week. Cool Mazda 3 commercial from Germany for their new sports car.

Dumbass of the Week

Every time you think you've seen it all, someone manages to drop the bar even lower on stupidity. This guy attempted to go into a local Dollar Store to buy more spray paint for his huffing habit. Of course, the owners called the cops and his mug shot and arrest papers end up on The Smoking Gun. I'd heard about people sniffing spray paint and thought it might have been nothing but an urban legend. Go Warriors!

National Sex Offender Public Resgistry

It's about time! The government finally put up a Sex Offender Public Registry and so far, 22 state have opted to join. I see that Washington State isn't on it yet and I plan on writing my Congressmen and Senators to make sure we get on the list. Is it me or simply the heavy media coverage? Seems like the number of sex offenders walking around freely has gone sky high in recent decades. I'm convinced that there's little we can do about and for these people and keeping them locked up somewhere is probably the safest thing for them and for society. Especially our children.

Now THIS is Flash Programming!

Use your mouse to control the mannequin (er -- I THINK it's a mannequin!). It's like being a puppeteer.

Worstest Album Covers Ever III: Worst Album Covers Ever Returns!

I think the guys over at stone have put a lot of work into finding the absolute rock-bottom worst album covers of all time (Part III) so you don't have to! Where you're looking over these beauties, you might also want to take a look at their earlier selections in Worst Covers I & Worst Covers II.

Even More Men vs. Women

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" the clerk asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet she noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" the clerk asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she."

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Street Wines

It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it! The guys over at BumWines have created a simple review site of their favorite steet wines. I remember we used to refer to them as "Buck Five Come Alive" varieties when I was a teenager. Guess the prices haven't gone up much since then...

From Nikki's Trip

Many of you already know that my daughter just got back from a two-week vacation in Vietnam and Thailand. What trip would be complete without its funny pictures? Nikki and her boyfriend were amused by this sign posted on their hotel room door. You can make out most of the typed notices but hand-written at the bottom are a couple of real gems:

7. Please calm light if you leave room.

And Nikki's (and mine) personal favorite:

8. Please endure the bathroom smell without complaint.

See what you're missing when you stay at the Hyatt?

You Know You've Been Married Too Long When...

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your pajamas?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the heck were you doing then?"

The husband replies, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

Doctors say his vision will return just as soon as the swelling in his eyes goes down.

FREE Redneck Grill!

It's the real deal. If you need a new grill, this is a real bargain. A stainless steel grill, for FREE! You read it right -- absolutely FREE ! Now available in all stores while supplies last:

Quirky Site of the Week

The title of the site says it all: Jesus of the Week. check it out and see for yourself!

What NOT to Wear...

Remember your Mom used to tell you to always have fresh underwear on when you went out or travelled? You never know when you might get in an accident and they had to take you to the hospital (or horror of horrors -- you're unconscious!).

Well, The Smoking Gun found this mugshot of a guy who got busted for DUI. Proof positive you have to be careful what you wear when you go out -- sorry, Mom!

More Men vs. Women

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a Twenty Dollar bill, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist sppointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Sex BEFORE Marriage?

A good argument for pre-marital sex in this commercial of the week! (2 Mb Windows media file)

World Headlines

Hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico? Bombs in Europe? Want to see the front page of a newspaper in Melbourne? Or how about New Delhi? Today's Front Page lets you glance at the front page from hundreds of pages around the globe.

Geek Engineers with Too Much Time on Their Hands

I've had a love-hate relationship with engineers of all kinds throughout my career in technology. The Mug Mouse is a perfect example of 'But I thought it was a good idea at the time, Boss!'

Educate Yourself: Public Service Announcements Online

This one was also overdue: publishing public service announcements online. For those of you old enough to remember, all sorts of public service announcements were issued in the 50's and 60's to educate us about importants topics such as puberty, nuclear fallout, sex ed (!!!) and more... Most of these are hilarious and I'm glad they're being collected for posterity's sake (and for your viewing amusement).

Worthless POS Site of the Day

What is the point to this site? Still, the crying Baby Man is one strange dude!!!

Stupid Computer Tricks

In the old days, I used to do computer service and support. Some of these actually bring back old memories!

The Diet (An Oldie)

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lb. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself; but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her but he is too tired to have his way with her. After she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" So the same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb
as promised.

So he decides to call the company back to order their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine"

Eric Devericks on the Media Today

I confess that when Eric Devericks first started as the Editorial Cartoonist for The Times, I was not one of his biggest fans. (Following in the footsteps of award-winning Dave Horsey over at the Post-Intelligencer didn't help.) However, his Media-Dog-Chasing-It's-Tail was so insightfully crisp both in its humor and its delivery that I had to send him a note of appreciation and post his cartoon on my blog for posterity! (Get it? Ha Ha) Anyway, I wrote an e-mail to Eric this morning and got back a terrific reply. Editorial cartoons are a tough act, especially in a liberal town like Seattle and you're starting off at a young age like Eric. I think he's going to keep improving with age!

At Last! A Bi-Partisan Political Bumper Sticker

FINALLY, people are coming out with 100% Bi-Partisan Political Bumper stickers. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State:


Democrats put it on the rear bumper. Republicans put it on the front bumper.

The Family Dog

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives over on Oak Street?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' SOB!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

Tom Cruise is Nuts!

The name of the site says it all -- fun to read.

New Google Search

Sheesh! Google keeps coming up with more and more new offerings.

Dance Like Napoleon Dynamite

Remember the surprise dance scene from Napoleon Dynamite? (Didn't see Napoleon Dynamite? Shame on you!!!) Well, you too can now dance like the master. Here's a step-by-step clip complete with crib notes on every dance move that any dance-challenged fool can even follow. Love it!

Product of the Week: Dog Disguise Kits

Are you sick and tired of having people give you dirty looks these days when you take your pitbull or doberman to the park? Here's the solution for you: Invisible Breed Products™ from a company in Australia (or at least it's a good gag site!). I think the doberman makes a good poodle! Original!

Baby Man

You see stories on TV about people (men, mostly) who live out fantasies of being a baby. You know, they wear giant-size diapers, sleep in cribs and LOVE to be fed and spanked by Mommy. But until I saw this story about a Baby Man, I always thought it was an interesting urban legend. Here's a recent article from the Phoenix New Times about a man living his dream! Dude! [Ha ha]

Interesting Sign

A friend of mine just got back from a road trip up to B.C. Along the way he snapped some pictures of a few interesting places (and signs):

10th Annual Summer Redneck Games!

From the Associated Press article here, "Started as a Southern-fried spoof of the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, with a propane torch lighting a ceremonial barbecue grill, the gag games draw tourists like moths to a backyard bug-zapper." Check out the pics from past games here. Bobbing for pigs feet, the mudpit belly flop and the armpit serenade are three of my personal favorites!

Watch Out for Unitarian Jihad!

Another Jihad group sent a communique to Jon Carroll of the San Francisco Chronicle. It's a chilling manifesto and he re-printed it in his column for all to read. Excerpts from the intro and conclusion:

"The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:...

Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader says."

Commercial of the Week: The iPod Flea

First Apple introduced the iPod. Then they introduced the iPod mini and the iPod Shuffle soon followed. Here's a spoof commercial from the New York Times for the iPod Flea. Well-done -- my commercial of the week!