The Borowitz Report

With Canada now poised to allow gay marriages, global competition is sure to follow soon! I think of Andy Borowitz as the new Dave Barry.

An Incredible Quiz!

This short online quiz really works! Only takes a couple of minutes to fill out and it will surprise you!

How to Tell You're at a Gay Party

Why They Still Can't Find Osama

Seems he's been hiding out in Florida playing golf! (Watch closely!)

Real Recycling at Its Best!

So these young dudes arrived in Seattle a few months ago and needed to get set up right away. No furniture -- what to do? Check out their site to see what a little creativity and a bunch of FedEx boxes can do for your apartment! Then they moved again and expanded their furniture collection even more creatively.

Conspiracy -- We MUST Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am -- a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection... Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

Post Your Secrets Here

Have a deep, dark secret that you've never told anyone? There's a blog site that you can mail a postcard to and they'll post it up if they deem it worthy as a secret.

Birth of a Hummingbird

A really cool site -- be sure to click through each of the five pages of pics (use the NEXT link at the bottom of each page). From the lady's comments, it took 3+ weeks before the chick was ready to leave the nest. We're blessed with a few hummingbirds zipping around our back yard and we love seeing 'em.

Wedding Accessory for the Easily Upset Woman!

American Film Institute's Top 100 memorable movie quotes

The American Film Institute's list of top 100 quotes from U.S. movies, with film title and year of release:

1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," "Gone with the Wind," 1939.

2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," "The Godfather," 1972.

3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am," "On the Waterfront," 1954.

4. "Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

5. "Here's looking at you, kid," "Casablanca," 1942.

6. "Go ahead, make my day," "Sudden Impact," 1983.

7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," "Sunset Boulevard," 1950.

8. "May the Force be with you," "Star Wars," 1977.

9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night," "All About Eve," 1950.

10. "You talkin' to me?" "Taxi Driver," 1976.

11. "What we have here is failure to communicate," "Cool Hand Luke," 1967.

12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," "Apocalypse Now," 1979.

13. "Love means never having to say you're sorry," "Love Story," 1970.

14. "The stuff that dreams are made of," "The Maltese Falcon," 1941.

15. "E.T. phone home," "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial," 1982.

16. "They call me Mister Tibbs!" "In the Heat of the Night," 1967.

17. "Rosebud," "Citizen Kane," 1941.

18. "Made it, Ma! Top of the world!", "White Heat," 1949.

19. "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" "Network," 1976.

20. "Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship," "Casablanca," 1942.

21. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti," "The Silence of the Lambs," 1991.

22. "Bond. James Bond," "Dr. No," 1962.

23. "There's no place like home," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.

24. "I am big! It's the pictures that got small," "Sunset Boulevard," 1950.

25. "Show me the money!" "Jerry Maguire," 1996.

26. "Why don't you come up sometime and see me?" "She Done Him Wrong," 1933.

27. "I'm walking here! I'm walking here!" "Midnight Cowboy," 1969.

28. "Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By,' " "Casablanca," 1942.

29. "You can't handle the truth!" "A Few Good Men," 1992.

30. "I want to be alone," "Grand Hotel," 1932.

31. "After all, tomorrow is another day," "Gone With the Wind," 1939.

32. "Round up the usual suspects," "Casablanca," 1942.

33. "I'll have what she's having," "When Harry Met Sally," 1989.

34. "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow," "To Have and Have Not," 1944.

35. "You're gonna need a bigger boat," "Jaws," 1975.

36. "Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges!" "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre," 1948.

37. "I'll be back," "The Terminator," 1984.

38. "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth," "The Pride of the Yankees," 1942.

39. "If you build it, he will come," "Field of Dreams," 1989.

40. "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get," "Forrest Gump," 1994.

41. "We rob banks," "Bonnie and Clyde," 1967.

42. "Plastics," "The Graduate," 1967.

43. "We'll always have Paris," "Casablanca," 1942.

44. "I see dead people," "The Sixth Sense," 1999.

45. "Stella! Hey, Stella!" "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.

46. "Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars," "Now, Voyager," 1942.

47. "Shane. Shane. Come back!" "Shane," 1953.

48. "Well, nobody's perfect," "Some Like It Hot," 1959.

49. "It's alive! It's alive!", "Frankenstein," 1931.

50. "Houston, we have a problem," "Apollo 13," 1995.

51. "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?", "Dirty Harry," 1971.

52. "You had me at 'hello,' " "Jerry Maguire," 1996.

53. "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know," "Animal Crackers," 1930.

54. "There's no crying in baseball!" "A League of Their Own," 1992.

55. "La-dee-da, la-dee-da," "Annie Hall," 1977.

56. "A boy's best friend is his mother," "Psycho," 1960.

57. "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good," "Wall Street," 1987.

58. "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer," "The Godfather Part II," 1974.

59. "As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again," "Gone With the Wind."

60. "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!", "Sons of the Desert," 1933.

61. "Say 'hello' to my little friend!" "Scarface," 1983.

62. "What a dump," "Beyond the Forest," 1949.

63. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?" "The Graduate," 1967.

64. "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" "Dr. Strangelove," 1964.

65. "Elementary, my dear Watson," "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes," 1929.

66. "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape," "Planet of the Apes," 1968.

67. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine," "Casablanca."

68. "Here's Johnny!" "The Shining," 1980.

69. "They're here!" "Poltergeist," 1982.

70. "Is it safe?", "Marathon Man," 1976.

71. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet!" "The Jazz Singer," 1927.

72. "No wire hangers, ever!" "Mommie Dearest," 1981.

73. "Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico?", "Little Caesar," 1930.

74. "Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown," "Chinatown," 1974.

75. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," "A Streetcar Named Desire."

76. "Hasta la vista, baby," "Terminator 2: Judgment Day," 1991.

77. "Soylent Green is people!" "Soylent Green," 1973.

78. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL," "2001: A Space Odyssey," 1968.

79. Striker: "Surely you can't be serious." Rumack: "I am serious . . . and don't call me Shirley," "Airplane!" 1980.

80. "Yo, Adrian!" "Rocky," 1976.

81. "Hello, gorgeous," "Funny Girl," 1968.

82. "Toga! Toga!", "National Lampoon's Animal House," 1978.

83. "Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make," "Dracula," 1931.

84. "Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast," "King Kong," 1933.

85. "My precious," "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers," 2002.

86. "Attica! Attica!", "Dog Day Afternoon," 1975.

87. "Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star!" "42nd Street," 1933.

88. "Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go!" "On Golden Pond," 1981.

89. "Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper," "Knute Rockne, All American," 1940.

90. "A martini. Shaken, not stirred," "Goldfinger," 1964.

91. "Who's on first?" "The Naughty Nineties," 1945.

92. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac . . . it's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!" "Caddyshack," 1980.

93. "Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" "Auntie Mame," 1958.

94. "I feel the need - the need for speed!" "Top Gun," 1986.

95. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary," "Dead Poets Society," 1989.

96. "Snap out of it!", "Moonstruck," 1987.

97. "My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you," "Yankee Doodle Dandy," 1942.

98. "Nobody puts Baby in a corner," "Dirty Dancing," 1987.

99. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!" "The Wizard of Oz."

100. "I'm king of the world!" "Titanic," 1997.

Some Costumes are Just WRONG!

Well, I debated posting these God-awful costumes a friend sent to me. In the end, I decided 'What the Hell' -- these should serve as a good warning on what NOT to wear for Hallowe'en (or just about any time a costume is called for). Please -- if you look like this and are thinking of what to wear for that next costume party, THINK AGAIN!

Wonder Woman off her Atkins Diet!


Retired Hooters Girls on parade:


Old Elvis:


Sheep farmer:


And the nastiest of the bunch, a bad example of wasted body painting:

Netiquette

As more and more people go online (yes, there are still people just beginning to stick their toes in the water now), I've often thought about a way to pass on some basic tips and courtesies that are really nothing more than common sense. You know: typing ALL IN CAPS LIKE YOU'RE SCREAMING AT THE PERSON YOU"RE WRITING TO or passing along an e-mail joke to everyone on your address list without using the BCC: option so everyone in the entire chain of e-mails can see your entire address book. Or worse. Well, the good folks at NetManners created a great site and an e-mail newsletter that addresses many of the issues. A lot of us old users like to refer to good online manners and protocol as Netiquette.

A Reassuring Message from Your Captain Here

Haven't seen any armed pilots on flights I've taken so far but...

Truth in Advertising

If ads were accurately portrayed on TV, THIS is what the Paris Hilton Carl Jr's ad would look like.

Dog Island Skate Park Now Open

They just opened a skate park just for canines on Dog Island! Be sure to check out the video of the skateboarding bulldog!

More Office Antics

Try explaining this one to the boss after they catch you on the late night security camera!

An Old Seniors Joke

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they're senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple married as childhood sweethearts and moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here..."

Spray on Mud

For all you people out there who drive pristine SUV's around, here's the perfect solution to make your friends think you actually take it out into the wild.

How to Tawk Rite in New Orleans

As a followup to my trip to New Orleans this past March, a friend of mine sent me this link on How to Tawk Rite in New Orleans! Complete with a New Orleans dictionary.

How to Clean Your Rat

Instructions everyone should have. To keep your rat in perfect condition, you need to know how to clean and dry a rhodent properly.

From The Smoking Gun: Crank Calling Bill Clinton!

Jimmy Buffett Phone Fiasco

Bill Clinton gets crank-called by finder of singer's lost cell

JUNE 8--A Florida busboy who found singer Jimmy Buffett's cell phone--and then proceeded to keep it for a week--told cops that his buddies may have crank-called former President Bill Clinton, whose number was stored in the phone's directory. According to the below Lake Worth Police Department report, Jason Martin, 22, found Buffett's phone outside a Cuban jazz club where the singer partied in late May. According to an amusing story in today's Palm Beach Post, Martin and his cronies scrolled through the phone's address book (while they were "smoking weed") and marveled at the high caliber of Buffett's address book, which included ex-presidents Clinton and Jimmy Carter, Al Gore, Bill Gates, Harrison Ford, George Clooney, and musicians from rapper Cam'ron to country singer Alan Jackson. After rejecting Buffett entreaties (and a $200 reward) for the phone's return, Martin finally surrendered the item after cops and Secret Service agents showed up at his home Saturday. As a reward for his telephone intransigence, Martin, who is pictured at right in a mug shot from a 2002 arrest, was fired from his job at the Cuban joint.

The police report can be found at The Smoking Gun.

WNBR -- Coming to Seattle June 11th

And to a neighborhood near you too! The site is so elaborate, I don't think it's a hoax. But I sure don't remember hearing about this last year.

Commercial of the Week: Really Bad Jobs

Definitely the Commercial of the Week.

World's Best: Top 10 Airlines Named

From Money Magazine, the Top 10 List of the Best Airlines in the World. Sadly, as expected, there are absolutely NO American airlines on the list.

Best overall

1. Cathay Pacific, Hong Kong
2. Qantas Airways, Australia
3. Emirates, Dubai
4. Singapore Airlines, Singapore
5. British Airways, United Kingdom
6. Malaysia Airlines, Malaysia
7. Thai Airways, Thailand
8. Qatar Airways, Qatar
9. Asiana Airlines, South Korea
10. ANA All Nippon Airways, Japan

Steve Jobs Dressup Page

You either love him or hate him but man, that Steve Jobs dude has an awesome wardrobe! Dude!!! (And some cool Flash coding here too!)

The Drunk in the Bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Now THIS is a Mural!

Eric Grohe is a mural painter from Marysville WA of all places (his wife, Kathy, is also an artist and often works as the project manager). The guy's work is fantastic and sure beats plain ugly walls or even worse -- nasty billboards! Here's a step-by-step of one mural he completed for a nursing school. Be sure to scroll all the way down to view the indoor murals he painted for Miller Brewing in Milwaukee. Way to go, Eric!

Teaching Math Through the Ages

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2.00 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me back two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for 100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2005:

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producción es $80.

Closing Arguments in the Jackson Case Today

What they won't show you on CourtTV (or MTV for that matter). See the video here. (2.2 Mb)

The Fabulous Men in Coats

So how come we've never heard of these guys over here?

The REAL Secret for Long Marriage, Guys

I knew it. The REAL secret to a long marriage comes from the mouth of Percy Arrowsmith, who's been married to his wife, Florence, for a record-breaking 80 years! This article comes from the Daily Telegraph in Australia. Incidentally, HER secret was "I like sherry at lunchtime and whisky at night."

Couple's secrets for long marriage

Daily Telegraph

June 1, 2005

A BRITISH couple recognised as having had the world's longest marriage recorded were celebrating their 80th anniversary today, and revealed the secret to wedded bliss as never letting arguments fester.

Or, as 105-year-old Percy Arrowsmith put it more succinctly, the regular use of two words: "Yes, dear."

Mr Arrowsmith and his 100-year-old wife, Florence, were married on June 1, 1925, about the time a little-known politician, Adolf Hitler, was putting the finishing touches to Mein Kampf.

A series of newspapers featured their story today, with Mrs Arrowsmith attributing the success of their union to hard work and never going to bed with an argument unresolved.

"It has not been easy, but worth every minute because he is much more than my best friend: he is the love of my life," she said.

"We don't argue much these days, only when I want to watch the soaps (soap operas) on television, which he hates."

The Arrowsmiths have been certified as record-holders by the Guinness Book of World Records, the reports added, beating a Japanese couple who stayed together for 78 years and 296 days from 1926.