Thursday, March 31, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER 01:: FOOT HE AVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Monday, March 21, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady -- honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It's like a report card and it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are; you're 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an 'F' in sex."
Saturday, March 19, 2005
This is a loop so you will eventually end up back where you started. About the third time through, you'll want to stop very frequently to take a good look.
Absolutely amazing -- I was truly impressed!
Friday, March 18, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Well, I had to be in New Orleans for a couple of days earlier this week. A veritable hodgepodge of Southern life for better or worse. (More to come about my motel room stay on my RobertinSeattle blog.) But there's always humor everywhere you go. Next door to the TraveLodge I stayed at was the BG Mart owned and run by a Chinese family in a black neighborhood. Great sign outside -- so appealing I actually had to run in and order some takeout late one night! Sweet-and-sour-chicken with an egg roll and black-beans-and-rice on the side! Yum-mmm! (Really -- it was great!)
What was even cooler was the chicken coop built on the side (look at the fenced pen on the right of the picture behind the car); they had a dozen or so prize chickens running around ready for the next week's chicken dishes! Got too dark to take another picture of the chickens (I also didn't want to get shot...)
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Friday, March 11, 2005
Did you know that if you sing any copyrighted song:
...at a place open to the public
...or among a substantial number of people who are not family or friends
You are involved in a public performance of that work?
Did you know an unauthorized public performance is a form of copyright infringement?
It's true! Read more about this here!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Thursday, March 10, 2005
As I left the dining room one evening, I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises."
She replied, "Yes, that's true."
I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess cruise ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 a day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
- Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
- I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week.)
- Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers and shows every night.
- They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo.
- They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
- I will get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.
- TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
- Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.
- If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip, you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship, they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
P. S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Monday, March 07, 2005
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Saturday, March 05, 2005
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company"
We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented"
You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required"
Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail"
We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience"
You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must"
You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Chinatown in New York!
Well, you always see these collections of cool crazy signs that other people run into and you wonder how they ever run into those things. We were walking along in Chinatown New York looking for a decent dim sum place and came up on the New Big Wang Restaurant. This one merited a photograph!